By: Malcolm Kelner
BREAKING NEWS: A mob crew hired by Suffolk University’s Board of Trustees has attempted to kidnap Emerson President Lee Pelton to take as their own President.
Suffolk’s Board of Trustrees and President Margaret McKenna have been in a contentious public battle for some time now, as the board is trying to oust McKenna, Suffolk’s fifth president in five years.
Now, we know why. They wanted Lee.
This afternoon, as Pelton was enjoying some Renaissance literature in the study of his Beacon Hill home, sources say four men dressed in black broke in and walked Pelton out at gunpoint into the trunk of a silver Mazda sedan.
“You’re making a very bad decision,” he calmly told the kidnappers.
Naturally, Pelton ended up breaking out of the trunk, rolling to safety on the side of the road, and called ECPD, who promptly tracked down the criminals with ease, given the inconspicuous Suffolk bumper sticker on the back of the car.
Suffolk’s Board of Trustees chairman Drew Meyer has taken responsibility for the attempted kidnapping, but insists he just wanted the best for the students of Emerson’s rival school.
“Clearly, we made a mistake… hiring Margaret seven months ago,” Meyer told reporters. “She’s done nothing to solve our financial or enrollment troubles, and worse yet, she’s as boring as could be.”
“Do you know how hard it is sitting here every day, looking across from the shitty side of the Common, and seeing those undeserving bastards at Emerson with the coolest and most relatable president ever? We had no choice but to try.”
At press time, Pelton was spotted in an Ansin audio studio preparing a Suffolk diss track.