By: Willie Burnley Jr.
Allston, MA – While attending an alcohol-fueled soirée this weekend, awkward white freshman Marketing major Danny Pinestone was possessed by the popular Outkast song, “Hey Ya!”
“Usually, I hardly dance at all at parties,” the 19-year-old Nashua, New Hampshire native recalled as he sipped from a can of PBR. “But when ‘Hey Ya!’ came on, it’s like a force took over my body and threw me up and down like a ragdoll.”
Between asking, “What’s cooler than being cool?” and answering, “Ice cold,” Pinestone reportedly yelled, “This is the best rap song ever!”
He was not the only student to be possessed though. Reports tell us nearly every white student in the cramped Allston apartment sang and shimmied on each other. When President Pelton heard this, he allegedly began mobilizing the Emerson Guard to facilitate a rescue. Secular priests were standing by.
“We cannot let our white students to continue to be possessed by these songs,” Pelton said to his elite force of party-goers, reminiscent of Seal Team 6. “We have too much at stake.”
“It was like a war zone,” said one student who had returned from the bathroom to find hoards of her laughing, drunk, colleagues gesticulating like they’d been electrocuted.
As the Guard was about to bust through the door, the song finally ended for the eleventh time and the spell was broken. Pinestone, who was less seasoned than the other students, threw up.
“Never gets old,” said a white senior.
At press time, white students were cautiously excited that the explicit version of “Gold Digger” was coming on and were looking around for anyone who could be black.