Citing Its Large Student Population, Emerson Deploys RA’s To 62 Boylston Apartments

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Residents of the 62 Boylston apartments across the street from Emerson were met with an unwelcome surprise this morning.

Pasted on each room’s door were slips of paper saying, “Floor meeting at 8:00 tonight in the common room. It is MANDATORY.”

The residents soon realized that Emerson RA’s are now apparently running the building, and will be heavily monitoring their lives, while mandating educational and social programs for each floor. The new authoritative rule applies to both students and professionals alike.

“Since 62 is pretty much all Emerson kids, the deployment of our resident assistants was the natural decision,” Emerson Associate Director of Resident Life Seth Grue said to reporters. “They may not all like it but it’s what’s best for them.”

Upperclassmen Emerson students living at 62 Boylston are reportedly very frustrated by the move, as they expected some level of independence after moving off campus, including the ability to throw parties. However, it is the non-Emersonians who are most upset.

“I was walking in with a 30 rack of beer and all of a sudden this guy wearing purple and yellow jumped out from behind the corner, started fake coughing, and motioning me to hand it over,” said bewildered 29-year-old investment banker and Boston College graduate Michael Childress.

“Then he asked me if I was coming to the mandatory floor meeting tonight for a diversity discussion,” Childress continued. “When I told him I already had plans, he said I was getting ‘written up’ for two infractions now, and that my plans ‘better not go past quiet hours at 10 o’clock, or else.’ What the hell is going on?”

Grue seemed apathetic thus far to the grievances of the residents.

“They should’ve known what they were getting into when they moved so close to Emerson,” he defiantly stated. “If they don’t like it they can move down by Suffolk.”

At press time, nearly every resident had listed their units on Airbnb while they searched for other places to live.

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