Student Threatens To Say “Don’t Come Here” To Prospective Student Tour Group

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By: Malcolm Kelner

As one of the many prospective student and parent tour groups was shown around the Emerson campus this morning, one clever Emerson student threatened to make sure none of the high schoolers would want to enroll.

“What if I walked by them and just screamed, ‘Don’t come here!'” sophomore VMA major Emily Loeffler said to her friend as they spotted the group.

When her friend called her bluff, Loeffler only got more encouraged.

“Seriously I’m gonna do it,” the hilarious student said. “I’m gonna be like, ‘This school sucks! Save your 60 grand and go to a real school.’ How funny would that be?”

“If you give me five bucks I’ll do it,” she quickly added after her friend didn’t respond.

At press time, Loeffler walked by the group, froze, and sputtered, “Come to Emerson!”

Lee Pelton Sighted At Boston Anime Convention, Denies Involvement

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By: Malcolm Kelner

While many Emerson students have been attending this weekend’s Anime Boston event at the Hynes Convention Center, one Emerson administrator’s presence at the convention has come as a surprise.

Multiple sources confirm Emerson President Lee Pelton has been sighted at all three days of the convention, wearing a wig and dressed in a white robe stained with fake blood. While hanging out with a group of costumed college students at today’s festivities, Pelton was approached by Lion’s Tooth reporters, and adamantly denied being Pelton.

“Who is this Lee Peltman you speak of?” Pelton angrily asked. “I know no such man. I am Afro Samurai, most powerful swordsman in the world.”

When our reporters commended him for his convincing disguise, he started to get even more defensive.

“You are insulting my honor by denying who I really am,” Pelton declared. “I had to journey through impossible obstacles to avenge Rokutaro’s death and reclaim the Number 1 headband, losing all sense of human emotion along the way. So if you keep going with this Pelted crap, I’ll have no problem making you my next victims.”

Pelton then paused, his eyes darting back and forth in a crazed manner.

“SEIGI!” he screamed primally toward the ceiling, unsheathing his sword and sprinting toward the nearest exit.

At press time, a person in an Easter Bunny costume walking in a manner suspiciously similar to Lee Pelton was taking the elevator up to the 14th floor of the Ansin Building.

HOLY SHIT!!! IT’S LEE PELTON!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

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HOLY SHIT!! IT’S LEE PELTON! OH MY GAHHHHHHD!!!! HE’S SO AMAZING AND SO PERFECT!!! PRESIDENTS OF MOST COLLEGES ARE SO BORING AND PLAIN VANILLA BUT OUR PRESIDENT IS LEE PELTON AND HE’S ANYTHING BUT BORING BECAUSE HE’S SO HIP AND SO COOL AND IS SO RELATABLE AND NOT TO MENTION COOL!! AHHHHH!!!!! LOOK AT HIM WITH THAT PENSIVE LOOK SITTING ON THE GLOBE AS IF IT’S JUST A CHAIR! WHAT OTHER PRESIDENT WOULD DO THAT!! NOT ONLY IS HE THE COOLEST BUT HE CARES ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES LIKE CLIMATE CHANGE AND THE ENVIRONMENT AND SO DO I AND OUR BELIEF SYSTEMS LINE UP PERFECTLY AND IT PROVES THAT HE IS TOTALLY THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER!!! I’M GONNA GO TO THE GREEN GALA FOR THE SOLE SAKE OF TRYING TO GET A SELFIE WITH HIM AND THEN I’M GONNA POST IT ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM AND SNAPCHAT AND TUMBLR!!

HOW DOES HE ONLY MAKE 900 GRAND?!?! FUCK IT, LET’S BUMP IT UP TO OVER A MIL BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT AND HE’S THE BEST!!!!!!! LEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl Who Says Appearances Don’t Matter Torn Over Guy Wearing Fedora On Tinder

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By Lloyd Mallison

Buoyed by a new sense of egalitarianism, Sophomore Communication Studies major Ana Stratenmire conferred with her suspicious friends that she is having a serious dilemma – which way to swipe for a guy on Tinder she saw wearing a Fedora.

“I’ve learned a lot on Tinder and Bumble, and that’s not to judge,” Stratenmire mused. “There’s more to people than just attractiveness and looks – but this is a tough one.”

Sources say Stratenmire, who loves retweeting body positive Twitter accounts and always reads Elite Daily articles, matched with a student named Eric, but his decision to post many pictures wearing his signature Grey Stetson has made her really question her beliefs.

“It’s funny – I’ve seen her swipe right for guys with obscure tribal tattoos and swipe left on guys under six feet, so this really is a new sense of restraint for her,” said freshman Clark Beener, who knows Stratenmire from History of Jazz. “But good for her for putting serious thought forth. These are the battles we fight on Tinder and Bumble.”

At press time, Stratenmire was swiping right, but vowing to not respond to his messages if he talked to her.

Why Do I Need To Log In Twice To Access Google Apps On My Emerson Account?

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Malcolm Kelner

Lion’s Tooth Co-Founder

 

Hey guys, Malcolm here again, and I have a very serious problem I need to discuss with you. I’ve been biting my tongue on this for too long, but it’s time for me to finally say something.

Why do I have to log in twice to access Google apps on my Emerson account?

We need to talk about this.

Frequently for class projects, I have to use my Emerson account on Google Docs, Google Slides, or Google Drive, and it’s the same infuriating routine every time.

I type in my Emerson username and password to log in to whatever Google app I’m using, I submit it, and instead of taking me to my account, it takes me to ANOTHER blank log-in page, saying, “Google Apps for Education”… where I’m forced to type in THE SAME EXACT THING AGAIN.

I could not be more fed up.

Someone please explain to me why logging in the first time can’t just fully log me in. Is it some sort of security barrier? Doubtful, because both log-ins use the same exact information.

So what’s the issue then? Is it purely a technological oversight? That’s what I’m thinking at the moment, and it’s just absolutely unacceptable.

You’re telling me that Google, one of the titans of the technology industry, couldn’t have found a way to recognize I’m an Emerson student based on my e-mail address suffix, and then simply use both that and my name to take me straight to my Emerson Google account?

It’s as if when I log in the first time, they’re like, “Oh, you go to Emerson. Now tell us what Emerson student you are.”

Well I DID tell you which Emerson student I am, but you only listened to the fact that I go to Emerson! Why didn’t you just listen to both things?!

I’m done being treated like I’m just a number. And I’m done having to log in twice. I have better things to do with my time.

But I know I’m not the only one.

This issue doesn’t just plague me, but thousands of other Emerson students as well. If you’re reading this, you’re probably another innocent victim. Don’t be taken advantage of. Stand up with me and fight for change.

Like and share this article to spread awareness. Together, we can solve this.

Emerson Warns Students To Avoid Cultural Appropriation On St. Patrick’s Day

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In a mass e-mail to the Emerson student body, Interim Dean of Students Sharon Duffy warned students to avoid culturally appropriating the Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.

“As many of you are aware, March 17th marks St. Patrick’s Day, a cultural and religious feast day commemorating the anniversary of the death of Saint Patrick who lived during the 5th century,” Duffy began the message, definitely not inspired by Wikipedia.

“Given the seriousness of this holiday, we ask students without an Irish connection to please avoid taking part in the celebration and culturally appropriating,” she continued. “Tread lightly before offending your peers.”

The administration is reportedly very worried about an abundance of students wearing green today, and RA’s have been instructed to be on “high alert” tonight for not merely usual underage drinking, but rather drinking for the purpose of “assaulting certain students’ identities.”

“If you identify as Irish and feel like your safe space has been compromised, please report it to ECPD immediately, and swift action will be taken,” Duffy concluded.

At press time, no Irish students gave a shit.

Equipment Distribution Center Overwhelmed By Students After Adding Adderall To Its Roster

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By Charlie Greenwald

After adding Adderall to its rental supplies and on-call pharmacists to assist in its handling, Emerson’s Equipment Distribution Center is currently swamped with people.

“Lots of customers today,” said Duane Rosington, assistant manager at the EDC. “These kids are rabid, and they want to finish the semester strong.”

Adderall, often prescribed to people with ADHD, is a medication that assists in helping students concentrate and stop fidgeting. Emerson staff added the drug after Spring Break, when a new shipment came in all the way from Israel.

“Our goal is that people will come here instead of taking it from their classmates, who actually need it,” said administrator Carla Wells.

At press time, the EDC was about to get audited by the Health and Wellness Center.