In a mass e-mail to the Emerson student body, Interim Dean of Students Sharon Duffy warned students to avoid culturally appropriating the Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.
“As many of you are aware, March 17th marks St. Patrick’s Day, a cultural and religious feast day commemorating the anniversary of the death of Saint Patrick who lived during the 5th century,” Duffy began the message, definitely not inspired by Wikipedia.
“Given the seriousness of this holiday, we ask students without an Irish connection to please avoid taking part in the celebration and culturally appropriating,” she continued. “Tread lightly before offending your peers.”
The administration is reportedly very worried about an abundance of students wearing green today, and RA’s have been instructed to be on “high alert” tonight for not merely usual underage drinking, but rather drinking for the purpose of “assaulting certain students’ identities.”
“If you identify as Irish and feel like your safe space has been compromised, please report it to ECPD immediately, and swift action will be taken,” Duffy concluded.
At press time, no Irish students gave a shit.