With Commencement Tickets Running Low, Guy Named “Squirrel” Seen Scalping On Campus

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Eager to capitalize on a market of underserved and in-need seniors, a mystery man who only went by the name “Squirrel” was seen outside of the Piano Row building, selling extra graduation tickets for $5.00 a pop.

“I think it’s a pretty affordable price, especially for people who need a lot of extra tickets,” Squirrel said, finishing up a deal with a desperate senior who had just flown in from LA and who has 7 siblings coming, along with her parents, her grandparents, and her great-grandfather, flying in from Sri Lanka. “But don’t ask me how I got my hands on them… that I can’t tell you.”

While some seniors have been turning to Facebook class pages to make deals, Squirrel said he will be on-campus all day for students looking to just solidify extra tickets and not worry. He has said that although he will not be attending the ceremony, he looks forward to hearing all about it.

“I’m sure that all these people will have a grand old time,” Squirrel mumbled, before saying something about going to a Red Sox game that day to try and sell game-day tickets there.

No word yet on how Squirrel acquired these tickets, but sources close to the situation have told Lion’s Tooth that Squirrel may or may not be Robert DeFlavio, a commercial cinematographer who works out of Chicago and who is on the Board of Trustees.

 

BREAKING: Local Freshman Done With Freshman Year

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By: Malcolm Kelner

BREAKING NEWS: An Emerson freshman has completed his freshman year.

A recently posted Facebook status confirms local first-year Journalism student Parker Ambrosio is indeed “done,” after exiting his last final period this afternoon.

Sources say Ambrosio is also “25% finished with college,” is “so grateful to all the amazing people he met this year,” and wonders “where all the time went.”

An additional source has added that he “can’t wait to see what the next three years at Emerson have in store,” although this report has yet to be corroborated.

At press time, no one cared.

Alice Sebold Trying To Recall Writing “The Lovely Bones” For Commencement Speech

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By Charlie Greenwald

Grasping at straws while trying to remember things from 2002, this year’s undergraduate commencement speaker and acclaimed novelist Alice Sebold was reportedly having difficultly drawing on her experience writing The Lovely Bones, her 2002 bestseller.

“It wasn’t too too long ago – come on, Alice, come up with something,” Sebold muttered to herself, staring blankly at her computer. “How did these characters pop into your head? THINK!”

Sebold is well-known in the literary community, if not a household name among the average person. She has written three books: Lucky, a brave memoir based on her own traumatic experiences of sexual assault, harrowing thriller The Lovely Bones, her big hit, and murder-mystery The Almost Moon, which most critics agreed was a middling follow-up. She was announced last week as this year’s undergraduate commencement speaker after months of speculation.

“I have an amazing personal story of strength and resolve, and I can tap into that — but come on, you need to be able to take them through the journey of writing a bestseller, too,” Sebold grumbled as she paced along her kitchen floor, thinking of texting Peter Jackson to provide her with some stories from filming the 2009 movie version of the story. “These people need to know I’m still a massive success in the publishing world!”

At press time, Sebold was on a three-way phone call with graduate speaker Danielle Legros Georges and last year’s undergraduate speaker Robin Roberts, who was imparting wisdom to the new recruits and telling them to “prepare something in advance,” if they had time.

“Never Mind, We Take It Back,” Say Students Who Criticized Logo After Seeing It On A Business Card

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By: Malcolm Kelner

After the news broke last week revealing Emerson’s soon-to-be-released new logo, the Emerson community responded overwhelmingly negatively to the simplistic lowercase “e.”

Not only did students feel the logo resembles unsavory symbols such as a breast cancer ribbon, the “90’s cup” artwork, and a stray hair, but they were also upset the school once again spent an exorbitant amount of money outsourcing a creative opportunity to an outside professional firm–in this case, Ohio branding agency Ologie–instead of tapping into Emerson’s own talented student body and alumni network.

Late on Saturday night, Emerson President Lee responded to the criticism in a mass email by encouraging Emersonians to “give our community a chance to see the visual identity in the fullness of its display” before negatively judging it.

Now that examples of the “visual identity” have been released, Pelton and the administration have been vindicated, and students have retracted their criticism.

“At first I thought the ‘e’ looked like a pig’s tail, but when I saw it on a business card, I was blown away,” glowed sophomore VMA major Sarah Clary. “I take back everything bad I said about it.”

“When I heard [Emerson] contracted an outside company to design the new logo, it reminded me of how they spent $8,500 for the botched Athletics logo,” said junior Marketing major William Jean-Baptiste. “But then I saw how they could use the ‘e’ as an outline for a picture in an advertisement, and it totally changed my mind. It’s so versatile!”

“Definitely worth a quarter mil,” echoed junior Journalism major Kianna Halvorsen. “Lee Pelton is a god after all.”

At press time, students were eagerly pre-ordering stationary and other merchandise adorned with the beautiful “e.”

Lee Pelton Throws Latest Berkeley Beacon Issue In Fire After Logo Criticism

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By Charlie Greenwald

Not going to stand idly by while his beloved new logo was lambasted, Emerson President Lee Pelton, clad in a bathrobe and barefoot in his Beacon Hill abode, burned his latest copy of The Berkeley Beacon, just moments after sending out a blast email to the entire Emerson community defending the logo at 11:24 PM on Saturday.

“This vile rag must burn,” Pelton bellowed, merely 5 minutes after asserting that the paper’s editorial “seriously distorted the visual identity” of the new logo. “These flames will engulf the paper and all its twisted logic.”

In the past several days, the Emerson community has responded harshly to the school’s proposal for a new logo. To start things off, the Beacon published an editorial to criticize the graphic, which they asserted did not represent Emerson well.

Many other students also groaned at the handwritten “e,” especially those who were frustrated with the finished product after hearing that Emerson hired Ohio branding firm Ologie to create the logo. Pelton implored residents in his emails to give the logo a chance, and not write it off as a “fuzzy little squiggly of an image of an image,” before incinerating the latest Beacon issue.

“They will never squash our graphic design dreams again,” Pelton sneered. “Ooh, looks like I need more wood.”

At press time, Emerson Communications Director Andy Tiedemann was on Lynda.com, navigating his way through a Photoshop lesson.

Freshman Brags that Emergency Notification System Check the Only “Test” He Partook in All Semester

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By Haley Thompson

While hundreds of Emersonians were preparing for finals this afternoon, friends of freshman Reece Gibbons were stunned to find him watching the new season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in a Piano Row Common Room, wearing only his bathrobe. We learned from Gibbons’ acquaintance Brooke Steinmann that Gibbons hadn’t moved all day.

“When I asked him why he was so relaxed, he just shrugged,” Steinmann said, her concerned expression growing. “When I brought up finals, he laughed ―though, it might’ve just been at one of Titus’s quips.”

According to Gibbons, however, he wasn’t shrugging off finals, but had none to speak of. “Look,” Gibbons told reporters, chuckling, “I don’t have anything to worry about. The only test affecting me this semester was the practice Emergency Notification System Alert. And that one went off without a hitch.”

Later in the day, Gibbons could be found frantically studying in his bedroom, having been reminded of the History of Media Arts II final on Monday, which would make up a hefty 30% of his grade.