BREAKING: Local Freshman Done With Freshman Year


By: Malcolm Kelner

BREAKING NEWS: An Emerson freshman has completed his freshman year.

A recently posted Facebook status confirms local first-year Journalism student Parker Ambrosio is indeed “done,” after exiting his last final period this afternoon.

Sources say Ambrosio is also “25% finished with college,” is “so grateful to all the amazing people he met this year,” and wonders “where all the time went.”

An additional source has added that he “can’t wait to see what the next three years at Emerson have in store,” although this report has yet to be corroborated.

At press time, no one cared.

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