“No Pressure, But Don’t Fuck Up,” Graduating Lion’s Tooth Founders Tell Successor

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By: Charlie Greenwald and Malcolm Kelner 

With the remaining two of the three original founders of Lion’s Tooth preparing to graduate and leave Emerson on Sunday, they decided to call their handpicked successor, him, and wish him the best, while also warning him not to destroy the empire they created.

“We think you’ll do a great job,” Co-Founder Malcolm Kelner assured him. “But if you screw this up, I swear to God, we will come back to campus and fucking kill you.”

Other graduating Co-Founder Charlie Greenwald went on to remind him of the extensive sacrifices that he, Kelner, and Jeremy Vandroff (Class of 2015) made while building the site into the #1 news source at Emerson College, achieving 1,000 Facebook page likes, over 100,000 website views, and mentions in The Boston Globe and Broadway World.

“These numbers don’t create themselves,” Greenwald emphasized. “Each like took blood, sweat and tears that we will never get back.”

He then explained that in order to keep delivering death blows to competitors like the Freakin’ Beakin, the editor of the page must not only be hilarious, but also constantly on top of the pulse of the institution.

“All three of us worked our asses off to uphold the page,” Greenwald said. “We think you’ll pass with flying colors, but if you’re not up to snuff, you will not only be removed from the site, but also from the Earth.”

Recently, the Co-Founders collectively decided to hand the site off to him due to his loyal fandom, site promotion, and frequent guest submissions. They did, however, continue to warn him that failing in his new role would have dire consequences.

“If you do as well as we did, you’ll be the biggest EmCeleb this school has ever known,” Kelner told him. “But if not, not even the Berkeley Beacon will let you write for them. AtlasBlog too- whatever that is.”

At press time, Greenwald and Kelner were searching for a new purpose in life.

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