By: Malcolm Kelner
A memorable senior week for the Class of 2016 ended in unfortunate and typical “Emerson” fashion after an unknown baby was found on board the Spirit of Boston cruise ship, forcing it to turn around and dock a mere 40 minutes into the planned three hour trip.
Amid an enjoyable three levels of food, drinks, and dancing, an 11-month old baby disguised as a pirate ended it all by crawling up to one of the ship bars and requesting a “Captain and Coke.” The bartender immediately phoned the authorities about the incident and the ship abruptly turned around back to shore.
“Ay, matey! I was just requestin’ a simple beverage,” the baby protested as it was restrained. “The pipe and tats prove I is indeed of age. Arghhhh!”
As the ship made a 180 degree turn, groans emanated from the cruise participants, some of whom paid $30 in advance, and other less fortunate ones who paid $80 closer to the event. Boston Child Protective Services was waiting at shore to pick up the baby and attempt to identify it.
“This is really unfortunate,” said Class of 2016 representative Nicky Tinglehoff. “We spent nearly a year planning this but I guess this is a very ‘Emerson’ way to end things.
“It started off so fun,” echoed fellow class representative Madeline Bayless. “It’s a shame that baby was able to sneak on board and blow it for everyone, but oh well. Typical Emerson.”
At press time, the Class of 2016 was making a desperate attempt to salvage the night by getting wasted at The Tam.