Parent Lying To Kid About What “I Wanna Hate-Fuck You ‘Til You Die” Means After Alice Sebold’s Commencement Speech

Father and Son Watching a Baseball Game

By: Malcolm Kelner

After an inspiring and sometimes quirky Commencement speech by The Lovely Bones author Alice Sebold, a parent is currently lying to his kid about what it means to “hate-fuck you ’til you die” after the quote was used by Sebold in her address as an example of cyber bullying.

“It means… uh… when you make a joke and it makes someone laugh so hard that they ‘die’ of laughter, so to speak,” lied Walter Richardson, parent of a 2016 grad, to his 6-year-old son.

“Are you sure, Daddy?” the first-grader replied, his eyes wide with concern.

“Yes, yes, that’s what it means,” Richardson doubled-down hastily. “Hey look down there, can you see your sister in her cap and gown?!”

At press time, Richardson was wondering why Emerson couldn’t have gotten a more famous speaker in the first place.

2 thoughts on “Parent Lying To Kid About What “I Wanna Hate-Fuck You ‘Til You Die” Means After Alice Sebold’s Commencement Speech

  1. Thank you, Malcolm Kelner, for pointing out the absurd in our daily lives, that others rarely notice, and never discuss! It was a wholly inappropriate comment by the speaker, when children were present. It’s part of the accepted “word pollution” that has been sweeping our world in the last several years. First rule of speaking – “know (and respect) your audience.”

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