By: Malcolm Kelner
After an inspiring and sometimes quirky Commencement speech by The Lovely Bones author Alice Sebold, a parent is currently lying to his kid about what it means to “hate-fuck you ’til you die” after the quote was used by Sebold in her address as an example of cyber bullying.
“It means… uh… when you make a joke and it makes someone laugh so hard that they ‘die’ of laughter, so to speak,” lied Walter Richardson, parent of a 2016 grad, to his 6-year-old son.
“Are you sure, Daddy?” the first-grader replied, his eyes wide with concern.
“Yes, yes, that’s what it means,” Richardson doubled-down hastily. “Hey look down there, can you see your sister in her cap and gown?!”
At press time, Richardson was wondering why Emerson couldn’t have gotten a more famous speaker in the first place.