Boylston Construction Crew Uncovers Cursed Relic


Throughout this past summer, construction for both a new residence hall as well as a dining  hall has been moving fast along. However, that is not to say that there have not been any problems along the way. Just last Wednesday, the morning construction crew uncovered what many are calling an “ancient cursed relic.”

Dating back to the 13th century, the priceless Jade Chalis of Pontisia has been said to endow many powers upon those who are worthy enough to drink from it. But as local scholars have warned, those who are unworthy to drink from it suffer dire and merciless horrors. Harvard Archaeology Professor Gunter Hauser released a press statement after the cup’s discovery proclaiming, “You weak fools! The power you hold in your hands is infinite…that chalis belongs to me!”

When asked about the mysterious artifact, Lead Construction Supervisor Mike Mullen noted, “At first we thought about bringing it up to Sully’s pawn place up in Acton, but then Tommy said ‘No way, man. We gotta drink from it,’…well little did we know it’d kill most of us!”

Putting aside their duties for the day, Mullen and his ten man crew took turns drinking Glacier Freeze Gatorade from the cup. One by one, Mullen’s men writhed and screamed in pain as their bodies burst into flames only to become piles of mere ash. At the end of the horrific trial, only Mullen and longtime apprentice Jimmy Mackie were left standing. When asked how he felt about their newly promised powers, Mackie replied, “Eh…big whoop! I’m just here for the paycheck.” Mackie and Mullen promptly threw the glowing cup into a Walker lobby trash bin and returned to work.

At press time, president Lee Pelton was seen placing the relic inside of a wooden crate with orders for it to be buried deep within the bowels of the Paramount Building.

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