CAMPUS ADVISORY: Lee Pelton To Go Back In Time To Replace Stabbing Suspects’ Weapons With Stress Dolls

 

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This past weekend, the Emerson community was rocked by reports of multiple stabbings in the late, club-going hours of Boston’s lively theater district just around the corner from the college. Six victims were wounded by either knifes or bottles with one requiring emergency surgery. And while one injured suspect was brought into custody, another escaped and was last seen fleeing in the direction of Charles Street South.

While the Emerson community has been advised to report suspicious activity by ECPD, President Lee Pelton took a stance and declared he was taking actions into his own hands via an email he delivered this morning.

“It’s a scary scary world we live in and I just can’t deal with it anymore,” wrote Pelton in the bold email, “Our community deserves better and I’m gonna deliver. You want justice? Here it comes.”

In the email, President Pelton outlined his plans to use a very rare time travel device hidden in an abandoned theater located under the college. Once back in time, he aims to arrive several minutes before the stabbings occurred and replace all weapons at the scene with stress dolls of all shapes and sizes.

Pelton ended his stirring email with a message to the suspects, “You want to bring trouble to my neighborhood? You better prepared to be utterly humiliated, criminal scum.”

At press time, several ECPD officers arrived at the abandoned theater only to see what appeared to be a man inside a strange metallic box disappear into thin air after a bright flash of light.

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