Emerson’s Sphincters Collectively Unclench Following Clinton Victory


Around 11pm on Tuesday night eastern time, every butthole on all three of Emerson campuses simultaneously loosened up after just about two years of tightness.

“Oh my god that was close” said Emerson’s entire community following Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton’s decisive victory over Donald Trump as its respective buttocks’ lost firmness.

“Phew!” Exhaled all 4,000+ students and faculty in response to the news of Donald Trump not being elected the nation’s 45th president. “For a while there it wasn’t looking good.”

At press time, everybody at Emerson’s palms began sweating at the thought of some other bullshit they had no control over.

*editors note: this post was a previously-unreleased draft set to be released in the event that Hillary Clinton was elected president.

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