Dear Emerson Community,
As I’m sure all of you are by now aware, last night the United States voted to elect Republican candidate for President, Donald J. Trump. Many of you are understandably concerned for the future of yourselves, your loved ones, your values, and the future of this country, which will soon be both submerged in water and burnt to a crisp by the ever-nearing sun.
This is certain to only be accelerated by our President-elect’s plan to increase the coal industry — both a fossil fuel and finite resource, as is everything on this planet, as we crossed the threshold for saving it a long time ago. There are some of you out there with hope, but this is fact. I have spoken to Elon Musk. Humanity is fucked.
Our planet will live on, and likely grow new life better adapted to the new conditions of water and searing heat. You’re a creative bunch, Emerson Community, so I’ll leave you to draw what that new species may look like while you’re working your cushy on-campus jobs, like “desk assistant” and “writing center helper” that require little-to-no-effort.
We are but one species in the grand scheme of things. We’ve built incredible structures and societies during our time on Earth, and as species go, we’ve had a pretty good run. But something was always going to bring us to an end at one point. Just look at the dinosaurs. They were a lot cooler looking than us flesh sacks, and a rock hurtling through the universe brought all of them to an end. Just as surely as we will too come to an end.
If it helps to think about during this troubling time, President-elect Trump’s face will surely melt quickly when our planet gets just a bit too close to the fiery ball at the center of our solar system, for it is largely made of plastic, and that’ll be quite funny to watch. He also has a really stupid name, which you should laugh at while you can, before death consumes us all, and every cute puppy you’ve ever gone “aww” at on the internet too.
Another possible end scenario is that President-elect Trump uses his stubby little fingers to launch a nuclear warhead, prompting a response from China, North Korea, and our new ally, Russia, and whoever else has weapons capable of creating a man-made armageddon. He’ll be sworn into office January 20th, 2017, and the countdown is on from that moment. I urge you to consider, Emerson Community, that he’ll likely be provoked by a Tweet into total war before he can snatch away anybody’s rights. But don’t get me started on rights.
My dear Emerson Community, it is with heavy hearts that we will mourn this national tragedy and trudge the corners of Boylston and Tremont Streets today. I’ve no doubt that we will be able to pull together, be strong, and continue to flagrantly jaywalk in front of cars that are just trying to get to where they’re going. Same as all of us. It won’t be long before we’re there.
Yours until the end,
Nihilist Lee Pelton