High School Friends Not Nearly Woke Enough 

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Coming home to the awful realization that their non-Emerson friends weren’t even remotely close to being woke, Emerson students across the country gasped upon learning their old friends were not aware of even the most basic of social actualities.

“It only took about 4 minutes of catching up at our old favorite Red Robin to realize they had never even considered gender being non-binary,” said Jamie Zoerll ’20

“I don’t know what they’re teaching at those other schools. Certainly nothing they didn’t already know last spring.”

The thousands of friend groups across various hometowns were filled with 18-22 year olds that had yet to have awoken from their slumber of ignorance and grasp the concept that a person who works 40 hours a week should not be living in poverty.

“I asked my friends what they were doing to make their school’s community more eco-friendly and they looked at me like I had ten heads,” explained Josh Williams ’19.

“Next thing I know they’re telling me they had never entertained the idea that corporations are exploiting our insecurties for profit.”

At press time, the school’s straight white men were enjoying some much needed time off from pretending like they themselves cared about most social issues affecting society.

Student Under Impression That Change Of Calendar Year Will Make Things Better

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Explaining that the new year will allegedly bring better things, Michelle Skimskey ’18 was reportedly under the impression that 2017 will make things in her life change for the best.

“It’ll be nice to hang up a new calendar,” said Skimskey. “I can’t wait to leave this train wreak of a year. I’m ready to turn things around.”

2016 had a handful of letdowns for the junior WLP major including a plummeting GPA,  setbacks in her personal life, several heartbreaking celebrity deaths, and a disappointing presidential election. Despite what has been twelve of the worst months of the 20-year old’s life, Skimskey somehow believes that ringing in a new year will make things remotely better.

“Time for a fresh start.”

At press time, Michelle was receiving an email telling her that her unsubsidized loan interest rate was being raised to 4.72% as of 2017.

Loser Not Graduating Early

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Tomas Saechao ’17 is not done with college yet. He has another semester.

The super-nerd reportedly will not even being going to Los Angeles to finish what has become an eternity that he calls a college education. He’s staying in lame old Boston.

When asked to comment on his remaining college career- in which almost all his senior peers wrapped up last week, the 21-year old said “Yup. I got 3 more classes to take. Plus I’m doing an internship.”

By the time this dweeb receives his degree in Communication Studies the year will be 2017. Even more mind-blowing: he will have been enrolled in college for four years. Yes, that’s eight whole semesters.

Wow. What a weenie

STUDY: 86% of School’s Creativity Used On Library Desk Graffiti

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New research results are suggesting that 86% of the creativity found in Emerson College is used towards graffiti on the desks of the Iwasaki Library.

“We conducted this study over the course of the last seven semesters and found that over four fifths of the creative firepower found across Emerson’s Boston campus, ECLA, and Kasteel Well was being poured straight into doodles found atop the desks on the third floor of the Walker Building,” said Craig Bolz of The Lourie-Quinn Research Consultancy. “Most of these works are cartoon depictions of various fictitious scenarios. Some are actually fragmented sentences that reference subjects ranging from procrastination to ‘zombie proms’-whatever that means.”

The remaining 14% of remaining creative juices were categorized in a section labeled ‘Other’, which includes all films, papers, poems, essays, shows, performances, books, articles, showcases, layouts, scripts, rundowns, designs, programs, ideas, and strategies that were hatched from the minds of Emerson students.

A press time, researchers were going back to crunch the numbers a second time upon realizing they forgot to account for the depictions of male genitalia on the walls of the restrooms of the Ansin Building.

School’s Speedsters Pushing For Five-Second Decrease In Crossing Time

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A group of students on Emerson’s campus are pushing for a change in the duration of time given to cross the intersection of Boylston Street and Tremont Street. A petition, which has been signed by 11 people as of Tuesday afternoon, has circled the web with the hopes of convincing Commissioner of the Boston Transportation Department Gina Fiandaca to reduce the time allotted to make the ‘diagonal cross’.

Brian Whittaker ’19, the creator of the movement, says he hopes to drop five seconds off his crossing time by the semester’s end.

“Right now I’m averaging 8.13 seconds,” Said the 19 year old VMA major. “If I can get that down to four or even three seconds, I’ll be pumped.”

Other students who possess the ability and drive to cross the 75-foot stretch of pavement as fast as humanly possible repeated Whittaker’s sentiment on the need to shave a few seconds off their crossing time.

“I want to show the world how fast I can get across that intersection before any cars come,” explained Shelly Fietenberg ’17. “Hell, take out the crossing signals all together. I can outrun a car. You don’t think I can?”

At press time, one of the students involved in the cause was under fire after testing positive for performance enhancing Adderall use during finals cramming.