High School Friends Not Nearly Woke Enough 


Coming home to the awful realization that their non-Emerson friends weren’t even remotely close to being woke, Emerson students across the country gasped upon learning their old friends were not aware of even the most basic of social actualities.

“It only took about 4 minutes of catching up at our old favorite Red Robin to realize they had never even considered gender being non-binary,” said Jamie Zoerll ’20

“I don’t know what they’re teaching at those other schools. Certainly nothing they didn’t already know last spring.”

The thousands of friend groups across various hometowns were filled with 18-22 year olds that had yet to have awoken from their slumber of ignorance and grasp the concept that a person who works 40 hours a week should not be living in poverty.

“I asked my friends what they were doing to make their school’s community more eco-friendly and they looked at me like I had ten heads,” explained Josh Williams ’19.

“Next thing I know they’re telling me they had never entertained the idea that corporations are exploiting our insecurties for profit.”

At press time, the school’s straight white men were enjoying some much needed time off from pretending like they themselves cared about most social issues affecting society.

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