Tolerant Students Ridicule Dumb Plebeian Jock In Their Marketing Class 

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This afternoon, four tolerant Emerson students ripped apart a total dumbass plebeian jock following their marketing class.

“Look at that oaf walking out with his big club in his backpack,” said open-minded and accepting sophomore Sara Caruthers, between wheezing laughter. “What’s he gonna do after this? Go hit a ball?”

“Probably. What a dunce!” echoed progressive junior Peter Lilienthal, who supports people of all cultures. “Must be tough not being the king of your school anymore, huh guy? That asshole probably has a bag of rocks for a brain. How did even get into Emerson in the first place?”

“It’s obvious,” answered one of the 2015-2016 Diversity Award winners junior Emily Doerring. “Since he’s good at kicking the puck around they probably gave him a full-ride athletic scholarship. No wonder tuition is going up for real students like us.”

At press time, the student-athlete was stopping for a quick snack in the dining hall, before attending three consecutive meetings for WERS, EIV, and AMA Emerson, and then three hours of volunteer work for the Emerson FACE Lab.

Woah, Lee Pelton Got Absolutely RIPPED To Play The Role Of Emerson’s President And The Internet Is Loving It

When Lee Pelton took over as Emerson College’s president in 2011, it came with a lot of responsibilities. He’d have to oversee a new era of innovation in communication and the arts, but also provide the eye candy necessary to play the role. In other words, he had to get freaking jacked.

And man oh man, he has not disappointed.

To prepare for the role, Pelton was trained by acclaimed fitness trainer Tony Horton for an average of four hours a day for the last six months. The P90x founder put Pelton through an excruciating combination of weight lifting, boxing, and functional training throughout junkyards in South Boston, performing tasks such as flipping tires, chopping wood, and pulling trucks.

“We trained with one goal in mind, building a superhero the Emerson community needed,” Horton told Lions Tooth reporters. “And Lee did not disappoint.”

Pelton’s physical transformation took a lot more than discipline in the weight room. He had to do just as much work in the kitchen, adhering to an incredibly vast yet strict diet plan, sponsored by Sodexo. Pelton was fed around 5,500 calories a day, consisting of lean animal proteins, green vegetables, and brown rice or pasta.

On his one “cheat day” on Sundays, “Prezzy P” was allowed to sneak one warm chocolate chip cookie from the Dining Hall. But that was it.

Check out these pictures showing how ridiculously shredded Lee got for the role that many critics have said he was born to play.

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Got damn! You don’t get a shoulder vein and definition like that in your mid-60’s by messing around. That takes blood, sweat, and tears–all things Pelton was willing to sacrifice for Emerson students.

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That’s not a member of Argentina’s Summer Olympic Team, folks. That’s Emerson’s lean, mean, fightin’ president. If you aren’t spending at least five minutes a day thanking whatever higher power you believe in for him, that’s on you. And if you didn’t have one before, you do now.

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I mean, come on. We are not worthy.

Wow. Clearly Lee Pelton had an epic transformation for his biggest role yet. We’ll have to see if Suffolk’s latest president (we lost track of who it is now after all those firings) follows suit!

Students Engage In Playful Slush Fight

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A handful of students took to the Boston Common Saturday to have some fun tossing around piles of dirty snow residue.

According to witnesses, the students could not help themselves from taking part in some friendly competition, pelting each other with balls of half mud, half three day old snow.

“Ahhh I think I swallowed some!” Tony Patel yelled as he spit out 7-8 ounces of the splatter picked up off the Boylston Street sidewalk.

The gravy-colored soupy liquid coated the students clothing for the remainder of the day, reportedly dripping through each of the campus’ residence halls.

At press time, students were complaining of a gritty sensation in their teeth later determined to be rock salt that was laid down on the sidewalk early Thursday.

Patriots Return To Help Clean Up Emerson Campus

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Immediately following Tuesday’s parade celebrating their historic victory over the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI, Patriots running back LeGarrette Blount gathered his team around and reminded them that they were all going to meet right here, at Emerson College, first thing the next morning to clean up the mess made on and around Emerson’s campus.

Wednesday morning, they did just that. The 53 active players, in addition to the coaching staff, practice squad, front office, equipment staff, several media members and the team’s cheerleaders all piled into linebacker Dont’a Hightower’s car and pulled up on Boylston Street around 7:30am.

“Guys- I brought some extra trash bags if you need any,” quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady announced to his entire offensive line as swept up an ocean of confetti, Dunkin Donuts cups, slush, vomit, and other assorted garbage left behind.

“Man, what a blast yesterday was,” said Patriot’s head coach Bill Belichick, who just Sunday led the Foxboro, Massachusetts-based football team to a second half comeback to capture the team’s fifth championship. “It’s great that all of our guys came back to tidy up. This whole thing has been a great team effort.”

Running back James White, who set Super Bowl records with 14 receptions and 20 points scored, including the final six on the game-winning play in overtime, was later seen handing off the Vince Lombardi Trophy to an Emerson Student so he could run two trash bags full of confetti to the dumpster out back behind LB.

“Let us give you a hand with those!” said wide receiver Julian Edelman as he and offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels put their rakes down in front of the Colonial Building.

At press time, Patriots tight end Martellus Bennett and CEO/owner Robert Kraft were hand writing 1,934 thank you notes for each on-campus student, thanking them for their hospitality while passing through Emerson.

Recent Surge Of “Fake News” Leads To Revival Of Yellow Journalism Branch By Department Administration

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The recent uprising, surge, explosion, etc. of the phenomenon known widely as Fake News has not gone unnoticed by the administrative staff of Emerson’s Journalism Department. After several weeks of deliberation , the department has decided to move forward to revive and update the Yellow Journalism branch that once thrived in the early years of Emerson’s existence.

“In the better part of the last century, our department has prided itself on presenting students with courses that delve into pure truth-seeking investigatory skills. But hey, the time for that is long gone, let’s be honest,” stated Department Head Peter Dancey to Lion’s Tooth reporters in a brief interview, “I mean did you see how many Facebook likes that PizzaGate shit got? There’s no going back!”

While the new courses will not be implemented until the next academic year, a catalog listing of them has already been made public. Courses titles as Igniting The Flames: The Power of Political Instagram Memes and Hook, Line, and Sinker: Designing The Perfect Clickbait Headline certainly reveal a thorough adherence to current trends in Fake News.

“Yellow Journalism was a bold and daring movement and we only hope to honor those older traditions. There’s  going to be so many  wonderful classes that focus on the grossly exaggerated and faulty presentation of facts,” reported tenured professor Walter Kibb, “I for one will be teaching a fascinating, hands-on seminar the delves into the topic of reporting political misinformation called Fuck It, You Can Write Anything These Days!

Though we strive to be objective in our reporting, the staff at Lion’s Tooth cannot help but to worry what this will mean for our average ‘likes per post’ count. It seems only time will tell.

At press time, Political Communications department head Jane Wallace was gauging student interest for a new course called Exploiting The Fearful Masses: Tactics In Political Hate Speech.

REPORT: Current ‘Lion’s Tooth’ Editors Have Really Been Slacking Lately

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In a very disappointing turn of events, the current Lion’s Tooth editing staff has been doing a pretty shitty job of running the site lately. Sources confirm its lackluster effort is both letting down the Emerson student body and risking tarnishing the legacy of the site’s founders in the process.

A recent audit of site statistics reveal traffic is way down since the glory days of the ’15-’16 academic year, and it is easy to see why: Not only has the content been just decent at best, but it has been incredibly sparse as well. We did the math, and there were only two–count them, two–full written articles in the month of January. Sad!

In an explosive interview with a Lion’s Tooth co-founder and former editor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, he vented about his frustration with his successors.

“Sometimes I wonder if they even care anymore,” the brilliant visionary told us. “I mean, that’s great they have their cool little internships and everything, but is it so much to ask to at least pump out a couple articles a week? It’s not that hard. Funny how they came at me a bit ago for still posting every once in a while, when clearly they need all the help they can get.”

The Renaissance man continued to lament seeing the kingdom he and his fellow co-founders work so hard to build come to a screeching halt.

“The only viral content they post anymore are memes, because they take the least time to make,” the Em-Celeb explained. “Don’t get me wrong, those are important, but they should only be used as a change of pace; not the backbone of the page. Charlie, Jeremy, and I knew that in order to be respected as the top journalistic entity at the school, we had to provide a consistent stream of topical and hilarious articles.”

“Or make sick videos, like the one when I went to Suffolk to ask the students there about Emerson. God, that was too classic.”

The co-founder then stressed that the importance of up-keeping the site went far beyond keeping the student body entertained, because while he doesn’t see himself doing satirical writing as a full-time career, you never know what side gigs he could have down the road.

“I have Lion’s Tooth featured prominently on my resume, and it doesn’t reflect well when potential employers see it has turned into a virtual ghost town. They want to see I started a tradition, not a fad!”

He then finished with a chilling warning.

“At this rate, ‘LT’ will become as irrelevant as The Freakin’ Beakin…”

“…Or maybe even Atlas Blog.”

He then conceded that while either scenario would be tragic, the site could never fall quite to the level of The Berkeley Beacon.