Historians Gather In Boston Common To Commemorate The Battle Of Emerson College


Historical societies and Revolutionary War reenactors came out in droves Wednesday morning to pay tribute to the 240th anniversary of the Battle of Emerson College.

“It’s been an indescribable experience,” said Barry Montalia, 53, who drove out to Boston with his fellow history buffs to stand on the same ground that the Liberal Art School’s soldiers once fought in a battle against tyranny that proved to be pivotal in the American Revolutionary War.

The battle, which is known for the amount of blood that spilled through the streets of Boylston and Tremont, also remained to be the only battle of the war to feature soldiers across various academic departments.

“VMA, Journalism, Comm Disorders, Marketing,” elaborated three-point-hat-donning Redcoat reenactor Tom Skerpotski, 48.

“If the wind blows just right I swear you can still smell the scent of gunpowder,” continued Skerpotski as he stood at the burial site of General Ralph Waldo Emerson – the college’s founder and first president.

At press time, the historians were pillaging the restaurant formerly known as Olde Griddler’s Tavern to raise a pint to honor the fallen soldiers who lost their lives on that wretched morning.

Dunder Mifflin Receives No Attention At Career Fair


On Thursday afternoon, the Steven Plofker and Bobbi Brown gymnasium filled up to capacity with Emerson students who intended on meeting with perspective employers at the annual career and internship fair.

Dunder Mifflin Inc. proved to be the only table that got absolutely no attention through the entire four hour event.

“It makes no financial or logical sense,” elaborated senior account Oscar Martinez as he reflected on he and his three colleagues making the 300 mile trip from western Pennsylvania to downtown Boston. “I can’t say I blame these students for walking right by us. However, I can blame these students’ parents for allowing them to attend this money pit of an institution, subjecting them to years of debt.”

Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton location is one of eight branches, all located in the Northeast region of the United States, with corporate headquarters in New York City. Despite the inspiration said to be provided by the blank sheet of paper on their otherwise empty table, the company totally struck out in interesting even a single perspective intern.

“This school is totally lame. Do we even want these kids near the office? I really didn’t think we’d have a problem getting a couple of interns for the summer. This is way harder than I thought it would be.” Explained Regional Manager Michael Scott.

“That’s what she said,” added Scott.

Of the four representatives of the mid-sized paper company present Thursday, warehouse foreman Daryl Phillbin was the most optimistic.

“None of these kids are warehouse material. But any excuse to put on a tie, I’m gonna do it.”

At press time, receptionist Pam Beasley was speaking on her flip phone with eventual husband Jim Halpert, asking about how his golf course sales pitch was going.

EDITORIAL: Why I Stole The Chocolate Milk Label From The Back Of The DH In 2015


There’s an old adage that people often say: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk label for free?”

That’s pretty much all that went into my decision to steal the milk label back in 2015.

Had I known that they didn’t have another 5”x 5” chocolate milk magnet lying around in the back closet, would I still have stolen it? Maybe. Maybe not.

Look, I’m not saying I regret it, but it’s kind of a gut check to see that two and a half years later they still haven’t replaced it. In 2016 they slapped just the white label strip that said “chocolate milk” on the chrome surface. I’m glad they found another magnet (albeit a white milk label) that they can just put the label over now. It looks a little better, but my impact is still visible.

And to those who have asked, no it’s not still hanging prominently on the mini fridge in my dorm. I went to a Twenty One Pilots concert last year and had to move the magnet down after I got a commemorative sticker for the fridge. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it this summer after I move out. We’ll see.

REPORT: Too Late For Senior To Ask If They Should Be Doing A Capstone Or Whatever


Looking around at the bustling student body around them heading to work on their respective thesis and capstones, Michael Helchen – VMA ’17 could not help but ask themself what on Earth doing a “capstone” even entails of.

“Everybody is talking about their capstones. Should I be doing one of those? What the heck even is a capstone?” Helchen asked in their own head.

“And a thesis. Should I be doing that too? I couldn’t even explain what that is let alone tell you if I should be doing one right now.”

The 22-year old studio-TV production major found themselves in a total stumper, when wondering how they were going to find this out. “Frankly it’s too late now to ask my academic advisor. Whatever answer she gives me won’t help at this point.”

Helchan further explained “To ask my peers now would just be embarrassing.”

Eventually Michael came to terms knowing that they would know by now if it was that important. “It doesn’t say anything on degreeworks. I’m pretty sure the school would have emailed me by now if it were that big a deal.”

At press time, the senior was purchasing their cap and gown, convinces that they could probably just fall through the cracks and get a diploma in in May.