Can We Talk About The DH?

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Can we talk about the DH? The place we eat. We just had to bring it up.We go their for food, we swipe in.

Day in. Day out.

It’s time we finally discuss it. Let’s start the conversation. If we don’t, who will? I can’t be the only person whose mind it’s on. Let’s just get it all out there. No matter which meal plan you have, love it, hate it, let’s just put our cards on the table.

The dining hall. Yup. We brought it up. Now let’s talk about it.

WOW: “Experimental Film” Major Has Never Watched Anything, Ever.

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If there’s one thing the Emerson community can agree, it’s the fact that many of VMA majors at the school have a somewhat inflated sense of self-importance and uniqueness. Whether it be fan community crazed TV writing majors or “aesthetic” obsessed cinematography students, Emerson is no stranger to these mad-dog future media makers.

That being said, a new student has emerged on the scene that truly takes the cake for his peak of maximum coolness and originality.

In a recent interview with Lion’s Tooth, Experimental Film Production major Dave Grainger ’19 went on record to state that he in fact has, “never seen any seen any movie, tv show, or video clip ever.”

 

Senior Fills Final Paper With Bullshit

BS.pngSaying he just wanted to get it over with and didn’t even care about his grade as long as he passed, Marc Pérez ’17 reportedly bullshit’d his final essay.

“I am so done with college,” said the 22 year old. “I couldn’t care less about this. I just put bullshit on all 12 pages.”

Professor Janet Hasquetz was not exactly thrilled with the final product.

“This? It reeks of bullshit,” said the VMA faculty member.  “I was very specific in the rubric that this final draft was to be thoughtful and contain concrete evidence and have 12-15 sources.”

Pérez also added that most of the ideas he totally “pulled out of his ass,” and by his ass he meant the ass of a bull named Bopper who lives on Allandale Farms in Chestnut Hill.

At press time, IT was responding to a complaint that the library’s printers were getting clogged with “total horse crap”.

Emerson Science Minor Walking Around March Like They Own The Place

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On Saturday afternoon, thousands gathered in the Boston Common to be heard in defending the vital role science plays in our health, safety, economies, and governments.

Emerson science minor Nicole Barrett ’18 apparently thinks she owns the damn place.

“Climate change is real!” Barrett yelled through a megaphone. “I got an 88 on my climate change presentation. I can’t sit back and watch our world burn.”

At press time, the student was recycling their 4×3 poster-board sign to write their final papers on.

Global Warming Prevented But Only At Emerson College

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Emerson’s Green Gala was a HUGE success this year! How successful? A second ozone layer literally formed around Emerson’s campus.

“Wow- what an incredible turnout!” said Dalia Kahlil. “We were able to raise enough money and awareness to annul the effects of global warming on campus.”

Although the concerns brought fourth by climate change are daunting, the Emerson community stepped up and recycled their way to make their particular portion of the Earth totally free from rising sea levels, polluted air or other ecological conundrums.

“Yeah we’re pretty much fine,” said Emerson Recycle Mania organizer Jen Haliene. “As a school our initial goal was to reduce our carbon footprint and reach climate neutrality while promoting local and global environmental education and awareness, and to institutionalize sustainability into the fabric of the College community by 2030. But honestly? We did our part. I’d say our work here is done.”

At press time, the humans of planet Earth not currently within Emerson’s environmentally proficient boundaries weren’t holding up their end of the bargain.

 

Shiny New Dining Hall Entrance Already Responsible For 94 Bird Deaths

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Well it looks like Emerson College has some egg on its face.

Eggs laid by the Golden Winged Warbler, to be exact. Lots and lots of eggs from dead endangered birds.

Emulating the Monarch Butterfly emerging from its green-hued cocoon, the new face of the DH at 122-124 Boylston Street shed its plywood husk to reveal its sleek new glass-fronted look.

On a slightly related noted, Monarch butterfly casualties have surpassed local records thanks to the oh-so-very shiny new windows and their ability to appear entirely transparent to winged animals.

Keep in mind, the great Boylston Butterfly Massacre of 1879 took the souls Monarch Butterflies at a staggering rate of 11 hogsheads per hour.

Also keep in mind that the measurement of butterfly population decimation was not standardized until 1911.

The new facilities, which were designed by Elkus Manfredi, were approved unanimously in the fall of 2015.

The freshly-renovated buildings will provide Emerson students with new social spaces, a new dining facility, and the ability to observe the true horror of watching dozens of Black-Capped Chickadees (the Massachusetts state bird) come barreling in at upwards of fifty miles per hour and then colliding directly with the solid glass facade.

The Emerson community had some thoughts on the streamlined new face of Emerson’s dining experience.

“I think it will really open up us Emersonians to the rest of Boston, y’know?” said Senior Marketing Major Anika Capistran, “The Max and the old Dining Hall were always so disconnected from the street level and now we can finally really take a look at the city. That is, of course, if we can see past the slaughtered corpses of literally hundreds of airborne creatures.”

Adjunct Professor of Environmental Studies and Thermodynamics Geoffrey Conover says the new space is just wasteful.

“You take one look at the paneling there and it’s all aesthetic. The amount of heat that the building is hemorrhaging is mind-boggling. You know what they say about glass houses? They say that they are just horrible on heating costs. Also they are wasting perfectly usable carrion meat from all these butchered avians, throwing them all in the garbage. Just disgusting.”

As the old saying goes, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless that bird is in the hand of an Emerson student outside of the new dining hall.

Because in all likelihood, that bird would be very much dead.