Shiny New Dining Hall Entrance Already Responsible For 94 Bird Deaths


Well it looks like Emerson College has some egg on its face.

Eggs laid by the Golden Winged Warbler, to be exact. Lots and lots of eggs from dead endangered birds.

Emulating the Monarch Butterfly emerging from its green-hued cocoon, the new face of the DH at 122-124 Boylston Street shed its plywood husk to reveal its sleek new glass-fronted look.

On a slightly related noted, Monarch butterfly casualties have surpassed local records thanks to the oh-so-very shiny new windows and their ability to appear entirely transparent to winged animals.

Keep in mind, the great Boylston Butterfly Massacre of 1879 took the souls Monarch Butterflies at a staggering rate of 11 hogsheads per hour.

Also keep in mind that the measurement of butterfly population decimation was not standardized until 1911.

The new facilities, which were designed by Elkus Manfredi, were approved unanimously in the fall of 2015.

The freshly-renovated buildings will provide Emerson students with new social spaces, a new dining facility, and the ability to observe the true horror of watching dozens of Black-Capped Chickadees (the Massachusetts state bird) come barreling in at upwards of fifty miles per hour and then colliding directly with the solid glass facade.

The Emerson community had some thoughts on the streamlined new face of Emerson’s dining experience.

“I think it will really open up us Emersonians to the rest of Boston, y’know?” said Senior Marketing Major Anika Capistran, “The Max and the old Dining Hall were always so disconnected from the street level and now we can finally really take a look at the city. That is, of course, if we can see past the slaughtered corpses of literally hundreds of airborne creatures.”

Adjunct Professor of Environmental Studies and Thermodynamics Geoffrey Conover says the new space is just wasteful.

“You take one look at the paneling there and it’s all aesthetic. The amount of heat that the building is hemorrhaging is mind-boggling. You know what they say about glass houses? They say that they are just horrible on heating costs. Also they are wasting perfectly usable carrion meat from all these butchered avians, throwing them all in the garbage. Just disgusting.”

As the old saying goes, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless that bird is in the hand of an Emerson student outside of the new dining hall.

Because in all likelihood, that bird would be very much dead.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s