BREAKING: Every Emerson Couple Breaks Up

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On Saturday at 11:03 AM, every Emerson-based couple broke up. The purge of heartbreak was caused for a variety of reasons, ranging from conflicting post-school plans to lack of interest to incidents of cheating.

“It was just time to move on,” explained approximately 50 percent of the parties involved.

Sources can confirm that Emerson’s couples had been fighting a lot more in recent days, which ultimately led to half the people within each Emerson couple to throw their hands in the air at 10:38 PM Thursday night and say “I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion right now,” to which a majority of the other half responded, saying, “Just admit it! You kissed [her/him/them]!”

While only about 50 percent of the individuals were happy with how things ended, 100 percent of students were under the impression that they won the breakup.

At press time, 348 text messages reading “i miss you” were being exchanged .

 

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