Deputy Chief Walter Bradford announced in a press conference yesterday that the Emerson College Police Department will open up an investigation surrounding that eCommon girl that is always running from something.
In a statement to Lion’s Tooth, Bradford said, “It’s a mystery to us. Is she running from something, or to something? Why is she always in such a hurry? I mean, she is moving so fast that her image is blurry. Who goes that fast in a hallway?”
The online community of #eCommonHeads have been discussing this case for years now, with no major leads. One popular theory points out the “Wall of Fame” on the cork board, which, according to the #eCommonHeads web administrator Roger Taylor, “isn’t a crime, but is still, like, just weird. Why is their Wall of Fame in some hallway? Why does the Wall of Fame appear to just be printed out newspaper articles? What kind of Wall of Fame is that?” In reference to this theory, Deputy Chief Bradford said, “I don’t know, maybe she’s afraid of the Wall of Fame? Would that make sense?”
According to experts, this is believed to be the biggest ECPD cybercrime case since President Lee Pelton torrented the 2017 film “Geostorm” on an Iwasaki Library computer.
The Writing, Literature and Publishing students of Emerson College have had enough.
A rally has been scheduled by WLP students for Friday, February 2, 2018.
Emilia Davidson, a WLP student in her senior year, was elected to lead the charge by the WLP community. The students chose Emilia due to her above-average bravery and leadership for a WLP.
“Everyone just always forgets about us. I guess that’s okay. I mean, no, it’s not okay…I’m sorry, I don’t really like confrontation. None of us do. You know, now that you’re making me talk about it. I don’t know if this is a good idea. I just want everyone to be happy.”
However, not all students supports the cause.
“What does the L stand for again?” asked VMA freshman Jarrod Lee. He was not the only student to raise concern.
“What the fuck about us? Where’s our story?” said communication disorders major Macie Bentley.
Emilia and the WLP students have cancelled the rally.
“You know, we accidentally scheduled it on Groundhog day, and we know how much that means to people.”
BOSTON- Starbucks employees were seen noticeably upgrading the coffee shop’s defense mechanisms at its 62 Boylston Street location as they anticipate the return of some 4,000 Emerson College students for the school’s Spring 2018 semester.
“Barbed wire, landmines, Make America Great Again posters,” said Starbucks barista Denise Lowe. “We’re going all out this semester to make sure Emerson students don’t storm in here every morning. You didn’t hear it from me, but I’m pretty sure we’re installing a moat slash drawbridge combo tomorrow.”
After the Dunkin’ Donuts on the other corner of Boylston St. and Tremont St. shut down this past summer as part of Little Building’s renovations, 62 Boylston’s Starbucks stands as the most prominent chain coffee shop on Emerson’s campus. Each day, dozens, if not hundreds, of students pack into the little shop in the hopes of getting coffee five minutes before their 10:00 AM class begins. Despite Starbucks ramping up their defenses, though, Emerson students seem confident they’ll be able to buy their coffee come Tuesday morning.
“I really don’t care I have to cross a moat, fight a few guards, and stand in a line out the door with only minutes to go before class,” said Marcus Thornton, a senior theatre studies major. “If I don’t get my coffee on time, it’s their fault, not mine.”
The Emerson College community is reeling after a bombshell announcement from the Office of Marketing confirmed what was long held as merely a rumor: beloved mascot Griff the Lion has anatomically correct genitalia.
This addition to Griff’s look has the Emerson community divided. “I just don’t quite understand why a mascot needs genitalia,” says VMA professor Michael Lind. “I mean, they don’t need to reproduce or excrete waste. Griff is not real. Am I the only one who remembers Griff is not a real thing?” Others, like freshman journalism student Scott Powers, disagree. “I’m into it.”
Lion’s Tooth has received conflicting reports as to when and how this genitalia emerged. Sophomore WLP student Doug Brown infamously declared last spring that he “saw [Griff’s genitalia] once” and “it was disgusting.” However, in a comment to Lion’s Tooth, a spokesperson for the school stated, “This is a new thing. Griff didn’t have genitalia last week, and now Griff does. The how, the when, the why? That is between Griff and Griff’s God.”
When asked for comment, Griff’s God responded, “I just thought it would be funny.”
Hey you, VMA Freshman! The new semester is almost here, and you’re ready to take VM120! And you’re in luck, because you have the cool foundations professor! Awesome! Get ready to have a fun semester with Joseph! That’s right, you call him by his first name because Joseph is the cool professor. He doesn’t believe in the traditional way of doing things! But don’t worry, that’s good! You’re not a traditional student! You’re special, and Joseph will make sure you know that. But will it make you respect him?
You’re going to see all of his experimental films he posted to vimeo, and get to ask yourself, ‘Oh wait, this is my first film school professor?’ like all of his students before you!
Joseph will spend lectures encouraging more women to get in the film industry, but that won’t stop him from showing you his favorite scenes from Annie Hall! Art is art, I guess!
Lion’s Tooth was able to get a quote from a former student of Joseph’s on his way out of the registrar’s office.
“Oh, you have Joseph? Yeah, he’s a really cool professor. Did I respect him? Well, I mean, he did spend a whole class exclusively talking about Tame Impala music videos, and I was a little concerned because you know, this school is pretty expensive, but he’s really really cool. You’ll like him!” said Dylan, journalism sophomore
A new Indiegogo campaign for senior Jessica Beckman’s BFA short film “Shattered” hit Emerson students’ Facebook newsfeeds Monday afternoon, vaguely promising to cap off Beckman’s “tremendously successful” Emerson career by requesting all of your goddamn money.
Beckman’s campaign purports the film as “an introspective look into the mind of a young woman struggling to pick up the pieces after her parents’ deaths,” and takes great care to mention each and every Emerson student working with her to produce the film, as well as slyly letting you know you’re going to have to give up every single dollar you have for her to receive in A in the course.
Without providing any sort of realistic budget, expectations, or even deadline for her film, Beckman writes “Look, I know there are a lot of student films in production this semester. I don’t want any of them to succeed at the expense of ‘Shattered’s eventual success. For that to happen, I need your money. All of it. Thanks.”
At press time, you inexplicably found yourself pledging $1500 to ‘Shattered’ in exchange for an invitation to Beckman’s birthday party in March.
The women of Emerson College are letting out a collective sigh of relief this Winter Break. While there are many reasons to celebrate this holiday season, female students are thrilled to be as far away as possible from male classmates telling them to read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.
Sophomore WLP Major Monica Stewart told Lion’s Tooth reporters that no matter how many male students she talks too, she is always somehow assigned to read the 1,079 pages of Infinite Jest. “Last semester a total of 1,772 men told me to read Infinite Jest. That’s every single man at Emerson!”
One such man is Freshman VMA Major Todd Vonn Bonhauser. “Maybe it’s the fact that the author and I have three first names, but I think everyone should read Infinite Jest.” When asked what he liked about the book, Bonhauser clarified that he “hasn’t finished the book” and “can’t exactly read,” he insists that women should read the book so they can tell him what it’s about.
As Winter Break comes to end, Emerson’s female students are wary of a new semester’s worth of male recommendations. In an open letter, female students wrote: “We can only pray that these recommendations will stop, but we probably will be told to read Lincoln In The Bardo by the Spring.”