Hemenway Resident Unsure Of Where They Go To College

Sophomore Steven Brundige, a marketing communications major, was just another student proud to be a Lion his freshman year.

“Waking up and seeing the Common every day, that’s how I knew I was home. Never any confusion about it. Emerson is right here!” said Steven.

But everything changed when Steven was assigned to live in in the temporary residence hall at 12 Hemenway St for the 2017-18 academic year.  

Steven has lost all memories of his old life living 2.4 miles from campus. He wakes up every day, trying to piece together clues about where he belongs.

“I mean, we’re like right next to the Boston Conservatory, so maybe I go there? But I can’t play an instrument, so I probably go to Boston University, they have a lot of students, right? But wait I feel like I remember an E somewhere. Emmanuel?”

Steven is not the only Hemenway resident affected by the increased distance from campus. Fellow Hemenway resident Jessica Carnicelli was quoted saying,

“Yeah, I mean it sucks having to take the T, but we’re literally right off Hynes, it’s not far at all. I don’t know why he’s so confused.”

When asked for comment, Emerson Registrar stated that Steven has missed every single class this semester, and that he will be expelled.

At press time, Steven was seen being escorted off Tufts University’s campus for the third time this semester.

 

ECPD: Don’t Feed That Squirrel In The Common, His Name Is Travis And He Will Kill You

travis picture

Emerson College police issued a statement regarding a dangerous individual spotted around the vicinity of the school’s Boston campus Monday:

“See that squirrel over there? The one with the bushy tail? The one that always runs right up to you when you’re walking in the Common? Don’t feed him. Don’t try to pet him. In fact, keep a twenty foot radius from him at all times. That’s Travis. He wants to eat your fucking guts.

Travis showed up about two months ago and since then he’s been a real pain in the ass. He looks and acts like a normal squirrel, but if you turn your back to him, he pulls out blueprints for evil schemes and starts reciting quotes from The Art of War. He really seems to have it out for Emerson students- just the other day, we watched him verbally harass a group of freshmen filming the climax of a VMA Intro To Productions class final. If the interaction weren’t in broad daylight, we have reason to believe Travis would have mauled those students and used their skin as insulation for his home within a tree in the Public Garden.

If you see Travis around, please don’t stop to take pictures, talk to, or otherwise interact with him. Studies show that any Emerson student lured away by a squirrel in the Common is 100% less likely to return after a mere seven minutes. Just stay away from him. Please.”

Lee Pelton: Once I Purchase This Last Building, the Curse Will Be Lifted and the Evil Lord Voltanus Defeated

leevsvoltanus

Weeks after announcing the school’s purchase of a new building at 171 Tremont Street for $24 million, Emerson College President Lee Pelton has revealed that he is one property addition away from finally fulfilling the ancient prophecy placed upon him nearly 4000 years ago. This development could dramatically change the layout of Emerson’s urban campus, and also allow the popular president to finally defeat Lord Voltanus, the omnipresent, all-powerful demon-spirit that haunts his every waking hour.

Pelton has not yet commented on where exactly the final building site will be. When pressed for details, an Emerson College spokesperson stated, “We are happy to expand Emerson’s physical presence in Downtown Boston, and thrilled to finally silence the demonic locusts that follow President Pelton like a shadow.”

The official Emerson College Scroll of the Dead (available for rent in the Tau Library) does not offer much detail as to where Lord Voltanus comes from or where he acquired the ability to turn water into fire, love into fear, or paperclips into giant, screaming babies. Representatives for President Pelton declined to comment on the circumstances surrounding the curse itself, though sources claim that it may have stemmed from an argument during the Amorites conquest of Ur (a powerful Sumerian city-state) in the 20th century BCE.

As for Lord Voltanus, a spokesperson said, “[sound of a million people screaming at once].

“It’s Fine” Say Former Lion’s Tooth Editors As They Watch Their Beloved Site Die

Screen Shot 2017-11-22 at 4.18.08 AM.png

It has been a disappointing year for Lion’s Tooth fans.

The online satirical publication, formerly the number one news source at Emerson College, is all but dead now thanks to gross negligence of the current editing staff. But the site’s founding and previous editors insist that “it’s fine.”

After all, the four fine gentlemen have moved on to bigger and better things post-grad, working in various media on each coast. They’re doing just fine. More than fine. Having said that, they did work their asses off the past three years to build an empire, only to see it crumble before their eyes.

Really though, it’s not a big deal, a source close to them confirms. Lion’s Tooth was just a brief chapter in their lives, and they’ve accepted that it’s behind them now. But it should be noted that in that chapter, they posted one article or some other piece of content nearly every day, and the current editors have posted one article… all year.

You actually think the four care though? They don’t. The source adds that they are as well-adjusted as could be, and have fun, interesting lives that extend far beyond a little satirical WordPress blog with a free domain name. But the source also wonders, how hard would it be for the new people to post, I don’t know, once a week? It’s not like there’s ever a shortage of fodder for material at one of the quirkiest schools in the country. And it’s not like their course load is too time-consuming either. We all know how “hard” Emerson is. If they’re too busy, that’s because they’re doing too many other (less important) extra-curriculars, and that’s on them.

And while, again, the old editors totally couldn’t care less, you don’t even have to write articles! Just fucking post Lee Pelton memes! They take two minutes to make, and the people eat that shit up! And if that’s still too much to ask, don’t even fucking bother posting any new content at all! You could do nothing but just recycle the old stuff, and it would still get a shitload of likes! And maybe, just maybe, it could keep the page on life support until we have no choice but to come out of retirement to find some new editors who will actually give a flying fuck about laughing at Emerson, with Emerson. We handed you the keys to the Lambo and you crashed it before even leaving the driveway! This was our pride; our joy; our fucking magnum opus! How can you even sleep at night?!

It’s fine though.

Emerson Now Offering Degree in Email Communication

The program was announced this morning after the third accidental mass email since August went out. “We just really felt that it’s a timely and relevant topic that our students can use to shape the future,” said Lee Pelton in a, you guessed it, mass email. 

The art of the email is not to be taken lightly, as has been proven time and time again. “What happened to Ann? Did she ever get that job? I can’t sleep at night anymore.” said one distraught Emersonian.  “All we can do is hit reply all to tell everyone to stop hitting reply all. I feel powerless.”

But all that is about to change. Emerson is reclaiming the “send” button and using the new program to empower future generations and make sure every email gets to the right person. “I feel a lot safer now,” one freshmen was overheard saying. Will this be the next communication revolution? 

Let’s Take A Moment To Thank the Registrar Department For Their Transparency

The inner-workings of Emerson College has always been a mysterious subject. They take a lot of your money, and nobody really knows how they spend it. This lack of transparency has allowed for a coterie of dastardly deeds to take place at Emerson College, unbeknownst to students.

Until now.

In a massive win for transparency activists, Emerson’s registrar department sent a student an email regarding their lack of ability to help her with registration. In the past, this would have been swept under the rug. Most students would never know that the email was sent. But it’s 2017, and Emerson stepped up to the plate and did the right thing. They sent the email to the entire school.

That’s right, Emerson is finally acknowledging that you have a right to know what is done with your tuition dollars.

The Lion’s Tooth editorial board wants to take a moment and applaud Emerson’s registrar department for taking steps to end this cycle of deceit. The student body deserves better than a registrar who conducts business over handshakes in the back rooms of dark, damp steakhouses. If you can say it to one of us, you should say it to all of us.

While this is a huge win for transparency at Emerson College, the battle is far from over. Until Lee Pelton un-deletes his controversial 2011 vlog post in which he refers to Battle: Los Angeles as “probably my favorite movie of all time,” Emerson will not be able to claim complete honesty with their students.

Tonight we celebrate, but the battle continues tomorrow.

Sean Spicer Turns Down Job At Emerson, Calls Housing Situation “Ridiculous, Even By My Standards.”

Spicy

Newly-unemployed communications expert Sean Spicer is in high demand these days. Just days after resigning his post as White House Press Secretary, the heartthrob is being overwhelmed with job offers from corporations, all hoping to capture his ability to eloquently communicate with the press. But while we don’t know who will emerge victorious in the race to hire this singular talent, we do know one job he WON’T be taking.

That’s right. Spicer confirmed Monday that he has rejected an offer to become Emerson College’s new Director of Communications.

“While Emerson made me a very tempting offer, I simply refuse to go in front of the press and defend a plan that has not been carefully considered.”

It’s hard to blame Emerson for wanting some PR help. The college has recently been in the news for its completely self-inflicted housing shortage. A seasoned professional like Mr. Spicer is exactly what the school needs to repair its reputation. But it wasn’t to be.

“I wish Emerson all the best. I hope they’re able to solve their housing problem. But at the end of the day, I’m not going to put my reputation on the line defending something like that. You have to some integrity”

At press time, Spicer had accepted a job as an underwear model for Hanes’ new fall collection.