The entirety of Emerson College’s Boston campus raced to make the best joke about the new scaffolding located in front of the Walker Building early this week.
As news of the school’s addition to an ever-growing fleet of scaffolding spread, student leaders on campus began frantically throwing out joke ideas.
“At first I thought, maybe ‘the scaffolding is back and it’s better than ever’ would be pretty funny,” Piano Row RA Marnie Jefferson said. “But then I thought people might not get the reference to the Hess Truck jingle, so I went back to the drawing board.”
Student sketch comedy groups were spotted in Paramount rehearsal studios late Monday night attempting to use their own bodies to recreate the appearance of scaffolding for upcoming shows.
“It didn’t make sense,” said Jimmy’s Travelling All-Stars member Dan Shea. “We can’t figure out what’s funny about scaffolding anymore.”
Lion’s Tooth is committed to accuracy and superior quality in our work, not being first. For that reason, our editorial staff is still considering what the best joke regarding the new scaffolding is and will refrain from making a joke until we’ve found the right one.
Pictured above: One group of students fed up with your glances. | Lions Tooth Photography
The students in those library study rooms have released a statement:
“Please. Stop looking at us like we’re zoo animals. We booked this room so we could get some actual work done for our Politics of Water class. Not so you could have some entertainment on your way to the quiet area.
We got this room to be in our own space, but instead we just end up being on display. How hard is it to not look in? What’s so enticing about those big windows? Is it purely the inquisitive nature of humans? Can you try not to think about networking for 6 seconds? Watch a vine or something. Just please stop turning your head ever so slightly to look at us.
And please, don’t tap on the glass. It scares us.”
Emerson’s counseling and psychological services department noticed a troubling trend arising this spring, and have now decided to something about it. Hundreds of eager sophomores and juniors were eagerly awaited to see their friend that attended Kasteel Well this fall, only to be severely disappointed when they discovered that their once cool friend totally sucks now.
“I don’t know what happened,” a visibly rattled Laureen Milesburg told Lion’s Tooth reporters. “Jessica used to be really cool and fun. Now all she does is talk about that one time she smoked weed in Amsterdam. We get it! It’s legal there! Relax!”
Other students were similarly disturbed by their friends change of character. Junior Todd Derickson complained that he was “shown the Lip Dub so many times” that everytime he hears “You Make My Dreams Come True” he becomes “physically ill.”
ECAPS counselors don’t see an end to once cool Emerson students totally sucking after spending 3 months in Europe. Counselors are now warning the student body to cut all ties ELA students before being disappointed once again.
Deputy Chief Walter Bradford announced in a press conference yesterday that the Emerson College Police Department will open up an investigation surrounding that eCommon girl that is always running from something.
In a statement to Lion’s Tooth, Bradford said, “It’s a mystery to us. Is she running from something, or to something? Why is she always in such a hurry? I mean, she is moving so fast that her image is blurry. Who goes that fast in a hallway?”
The online community of #eCommonHeads have been discussing this case for years now, with no major leads. One popular theory points out the “Wall of Fame” on the cork board, which, according to the #eCommonHeads web administrator Roger Taylor, “isn’t a crime, but is still, like, just weird. Why is their Wall of Fame in some hallway? Why does the Wall of Fame appear to just be printed out newspaper articles? What kind of Wall of Fame is that?” In reference to this theory, Deputy Chief Bradford said, “I don’t know, maybe she’s afraid of the Wall of Fame? Would that make sense?”
According to experts, this is believed to be the biggest ECPD cybercrime case since President Lee Pelton torrented the 2017 film “Geostorm” on an Iwasaki Library computer.
The Writing, Literature and Publishing students of Emerson College have had enough.
A rally has been scheduled by WLP students for Friday, February 2, 2018.
Emilia Davidson, a WLP student in her senior year, was elected to lead the charge by the WLP community. The students chose Emilia due to her above-average bravery and leadership for a WLP.
“Everyone just always forgets about us. I guess that’s okay. I mean, no, it’s not okay…I’m sorry, I don’t really like confrontation. None of us do. You know, now that you’re making me talk about it. I don’t know if this is a good idea. I just want everyone to be happy.”
However, not all students supports the cause.
“What does the L stand for again?” asked VMA freshman Jarrod Lee. He was not the only student to raise concern.
“What the fuck about us? Where’s our story?” said communication disorders major Macie Bentley.
Emilia and the WLP students have cancelled the rally.
“You know, we accidentally scheduled it on Groundhog day, and we know how much that means to people.”
BOSTON- Starbucks employees were seen noticeably upgrading the coffee shop’s defense mechanisms at its 62 Boylston Street location as they anticipate the return of some 4,000 Emerson College students for the school’s Spring 2018 semester.
“Barbed wire, landmines, Make America Great Again posters,” said Starbucks barista Denise Lowe. “We’re going all out this semester to make sure Emerson students don’t storm in here every morning. You didn’t hear it from me, but I’m pretty sure we’re installing a moat slash drawbridge combo tomorrow.”
After the Dunkin’ Donuts on the other corner of Boylston St. and Tremont St. shut down this past summer as part of Little Building’s renovations, 62 Boylston’s Starbucks stands as the most prominent chain coffee shop on Emerson’s campus. Each day, dozens, if not hundreds, of students pack into the little shop in the hopes of getting coffee five minutes before their 10:00 AM class begins. Despite Starbucks ramping up their defenses, though, Emerson students seem confident they’ll be able to buy their coffee come Tuesday morning.
“I really don’t care I have to cross a moat, fight a few guards, and stand in a line out the door with only minutes to go before class,” said Marcus Thornton, a senior theatre studies major. “If I don’t get my coffee on time, it’s their fault, not mine.”
The Emerson College community is reeling after a bombshell announcement from the Office of Marketing confirmed what was long held as merely a rumor: beloved mascot Griff the Lion has anatomically correct genitalia.
This addition to Griff’s look has the Emerson community divided. “I just don’t quite understand why a mascot needs genitalia,” says VMA professor Michael Lind. “I mean, they don’t need to reproduce or excrete waste. Griff is not real. Am I the only one who remembers Griff is not a real thing?” Others, like freshman journalism student Scott Powers, disagree. “I’m into it.”
Lion’s Tooth has received conflicting reports as to when and how this genitalia emerged. Sophomore WLP student Doug Brown infamously declared last spring that he “saw [Griff’s genitalia] once” and “it was disgusting.” However, in a comment to Lion’s Tooth, a spokesperson for the school stated, “This is a new thing. Griff didn’t have genitalia last week, and now Griff does. The how, the when, the why? That is between Griff and Griff’s God.”
When asked for comment, Griff’s God responded, “I just thought it would be funny.”