Agent J Shows up to Wipe Memory of 2017 Commencement and Replace it with Memory of Jay Leno’s Speech.

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According to sources the 2017 Commencement speaker had some “choice words” that a reputable publication like this one has the sense not to print. But fear not! Emerson College had a plan to make sure no scandal would erupt from 2017’s choice of words. Agent J popped out with the memory wiper and implanted memories of Jay Leno coming back as the commencement speaker. The audience was reported as “sleepy and confused, but otherwise, no worse for wear,” by the clean up crew. This is the fourth year that the Jay Lenno Speech has been reused, despite the fact it was delivered only three years ago, that’s how good this school is. If you asked anyone high lights from last year’s speech, they’d just start listing his rules for show business. More on this as it develops… wait there was a flash, what was I writing about?

Pelton: “I Have A Few Extra Diplomas If Anybody Wants One”

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Immediately following the 2017 Emerson commencement ceremony, President Lee Pelton got back on stage to make a quick announcement that he had “a few extra diplomas up here” if anybody wanted one.

“Hey everybody. Just a heads up, if anybody out there wants a diploma that didn’t get one, please come up now. This is the last call. I don’t want these to go to waste.”

At press time, a group of Suffolk students were sprinting to the Agganis Arena to get their hands on coveted degree from a respectable institution.

 

Hologram Of Ralph Waldo Emerson Delivers Commencement Speech

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The hologram of Emerson College’s founder made an appearance at the class of 2017’s commencement. During the ceremony, the hologram talk of his memories of the college and provided wisdom for the graduating seniors.

“I recall when I founded the college in 1880- two years before my death at the age of 76, according to Wikipedia. Times have certainly changed. Back in the 1880s, the Union Savings Bank Building’s sole purpose was banking, the MPR had a single purpose, and social media was big- but not quite huge yet,” recited the a three-dimensional image of the old man formed by the interference of light beams. “After all this time, however, this remains the only comprehensive college or university in America dedicated exclusively to…”

At press time, the image speaker looked down at its also holographic note card after an awkward pause to sound out the last part of the speech.

“…communication and the arts in a liberal arts context.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Typo To Blame For Student Receiving Degree In Conservative Arts

conserv.pngA clerical error in the registrar’s office has led to one graduating Emerson student receiving a degree in Conservative Arts.

“What the hell?” exclaimed Jordan Thompson ’17. “I CLEARLY met all the degree requirements for a degree in LIBERAL arts and a minor in JOURNALISM.”

The crowd on hand at Agganis Arena was visibly disappointed that the 22-year old who had worked so hard to attain the B.A. was jipped. The only exception was the Republican father of Zoe Martin ’17.

“On the bright side, Fox News just called and wants to interview me for Bill O’Reilly’s old job,” said an optimistic Thompson.

At press time, Maggie Reynolds ’17 was being handed a ‘Liberal Farts’ degree.

EVVYs Wins EVVY For Best Award Show

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All eyes were on the EVVYs Friday Night. The 36th annual award show handed out dozens of awards for student work made over the past academic year. The most anticipated award of the night was the award for ‘best award show’.

“The nominees for ‘Best Award Show are:” said EVVYs host Jackline Mundie. “The EVVYs, for ‘The 36th EVVY Awards’.”

Suspense mounted in the Cutler Majestic Theatre. Not a sound was reportedly heard as the EVVYs host opened the envelope to reveal the winner.

“And the winner is… The EVVYs!”

The crowd went wild as the EVVYs took their rightful award. In an astounding speech that received a standing ovation, The EVVYs gave many heartfelt thanks.

“I’d like to thank The EVVYs, first and foremost, for giving me this award,” said The EVVYs. “A big thanks is also in order to all the other EVVY awards awarded this year and in year’s past.”

At press time, The EVVYs were being invited to The EVVYs’ official after party.

Abandoned Einstein’s Bagels™ Wastes No Time Becoming Haunted

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Security footage capturing the enigma

Just hours after the closing of its Boylston Street location, Einstein’s Bagels™ became the newest host to numerous demonic creatures in its now vacant restaurant.

One ghost was happy at home before a layer of dust could even appear on the now-dormant bagel and coffee shop’s counters.

“Yeah this place is pretty nice! It’s got it all. Totally spacious,” said the spirit of a 8-year old girl who was murdered at the corner of Boylston and Tremont in 1645. “I could really see myself materializing here for the rest of eternity, much like the students who once waited in line here for equally as long.”

Other evil spirits were hoping to one day be the feature of an Emerson student’s VM120 project.

At press time, two horny teenagers were hooking up behind the now-vacant counter.

Reports: Local Establishment Lit

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Reports surfaced Thursday night that a local establishment is lit.

“The place is lit. The people are mint. The drinks? Off the chain,” reported a patron of the watering hole. “Man, I’m going to miss college over the summer. Mostly because I will not be able to attend gatherings in this building.”

At press time, a Lyft driver’s experience transporting patrons from the aforementioned location to their residence was not lit.