Abandoned Einstein’s Bagels™ Wastes No Time Becoming Haunted

boo.png
Security footage capturing the enigma

Just hours after the closing of its Boylston Street location, Einstein’s Bagels™ became the newest host to numerous demonic creatures in its now vacant restaurant.

One ghost was happy at home before a layer of dust could even appear on the now-dormant bagel and coffee shop’s counters.

“Yeah this place is pretty nice! It’s got it all. Totally spacious,” said the spirit of a 8-year old girl who was murdered at the corner of Boylston and Tremont in 1645. “I could really see myself materializing here for the rest of eternity, much like the students who once waited in line here for equally as long.”

Other evil spirits were hoping to one day be the feature of an Emerson student’s VM120 project.

At press time, two horny teenagers were hooking up behind the now-vacant counter.

Reports: Local Establishment Lit

tam.jpg

Reports surfaced Thursday night that a local establishment is lit.

“The place is lit. The people are mint. The drinks? Off the chain,” reported a patron of the watering hole. “Man, I’m going to miss college over the summer. Mostly because I will not be able to attend gatherings in this building.”

At press time, a Lyft driver’s experience transporting patrons from the aforementioned location to their residence was not lit.

Woman Pours One Out for Einstein’s Closing. No- Wait, She Just Forgot to Secure the Lid

18471259_1558855737481424_1950757193_n

Adjunct professor and self professed coffee junkie Jenny Mason, (WLP Department) went to Einstein’s for one final coffee before they closed their doors forever, and she dropped it. Onlookers thought she was simply “Pouring one out” for the soon to be lost Emerson staple, but as it turns out, she just didn’t tighten the lid enough. She cried out as coffee spilled, but then was reported to say “classic Jenny.” More as this develops.

Former Emerson Commencement Speakers Coaching Terrified Dennis Lehane

Dennis Lehane.png

Veteran speakers of Emerson’s graduation ceremony have been tirelessly coaching up 2017 speaker Dennis Lehane, who is terrified at the thought of giving a speech at the Agganis Arena this week.

“We know you can do it. YOU Just have to believe in yourself,” said 2015 speaker Robin Roberts to the 51-year old author.

“Alright here’s what you’re gonna do,” said 2014 speaker and Emerson alum Jay Leno. “Get up there. Tell a few jokes. Yeah. Really just knock their socks off. Bing bang boom. Yeah. Alice, what’s he gonna do next?”

“Bring up your book!” suggested fellow author and 2016 speaker Alice Sebold. “Just talk about your new book, Since We Fell. Your first book featuring a female protagonist? That’s a gold mine. You can kill 10 minutes with that. That’s what you do. You’re an author. And your name is Dennis Lehane.”

Meanwhile, all former Secretary of State and Emerson speaker John Kerry could throw out there was to “picture the crowd in their underwear.”

At press time, Lehane decided he would just read the first chapter of Shutter Island and hope nobody notices he didn’t prepare a speech.

 

ECAPS Meet To Unload Week Of Student Gossip

ecaps.png

At 4pm on Friday afternoon the Emerson Counseling and Psychological Services staff met at their usual spot to dish out the juicy details they picked up over the school week.

“Oh my god! How did you NOT know that Julie McEntire’s parents were getting divorced?” asked  Lead Counselor Amanda Rossberg, who has been the queen of the inner circle ever since her arrival in 2011.

“Well, apparently, Jack Young is thinking about getting serious with his girlfriend after he graduates! It’s great to see. That’s brought him some much needed happiness in light of his falling grades and falling out with his freshman roommate,” reported James Soclov- who meets with Young on a weekly basis.

“Funny — because his girlfriend just told me that she’s ready to move on with her life and not looking to commit to anything right now because she’s moving to LA!” responded Ellie Nolan with eyes wide open.

BREAKING: Every Emerson Couple Breaks Up

bu.png

On Saturday at 11:03 AM, every Emerson-based couple broke up. The purge of heartbreak was caused for a variety of reasons, ranging from conflicting post-school plans to lack of interest to incidents of cheating.

“It was just time to move on,” explained approximately 50 percent of the parties involved.

Sources can confirm that Emerson’s couples had been fighting a lot more in recent days, which ultimately led to half the people within each Emerson couple to throw their hands in the air at 10:38 PM Thursday night and say “I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion right now,” to which a majority of the other half responded, saying, “Just admit it! You kissed [her/him/them]!”

While only about 50 percent of the individuals were happy with how things ended, 100 percent of students were under the impression that they won the breakup.

At press time, 348 text messages reading “i miss you” were being exchanged .