Woman Pours One Out for Einstein’s Closing. No- Wait, She Just Forgot to Secure the Lid

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Adjunct professor and self professed coffee junkie Jenny Mason, (WLP Department) went to Einstein’s for one final coffee before they closed their doors forever, and she dropped it. Onlookers thought she was simply “Pouring one out” for the soon to be lost Emerson staple, but as it turns out, she just didn’t tighten the lid enough. She cried out as coffee spilled, but then was reported to say “classic Jenny.” More as this develops.

Former Emerson Commencement Speakers Coaching Terrified Dennis Lehane

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Veteran speakers of Emerson’s graduation ceremony have been tirelessly coaching up 2017 speaker Dennis Lehane, who is terrified at the thought of giving a speech at the Agganis Arena this week.

“We know you can do it. YOU Just have to believe in yourself,” said 2015 speaker Robin Roberts to the 51-year old author.

“Alright here’s what you’re gonna do,” said 2014 speaker and Emerson alum Jay Leno. “Get up there. Tell a few jokes. Yeah. Really just knock their socks off. Bing bang boom. Yeah. Alice, what’s he gonna do next?”

“Bring up your book!” suggested fellow author and 2016 speaker Alice Sebold. “Just talk about your new book, Since We Fell. Your first book featuring a female protagonist? That’s a gold mine. You can kill 10 minutes with that. That’s what you do. You’re an author. And your name is Dennis Lehane.”

Meanwhile, all former Secretary of State and Emerson speaker John Kerry could throw out there was to “picture the crowd in their underwear.”

At press time, Lehane decided he would just read the first chapter of Shutter Island and hope nobody notices he didn’t prepare a speech.

 

ECAPS Meet To Unload Week Of Student Gossip

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At 4pm on Friday afternoon the Emerson Counseling and Psychological Services staff met at their usual spot to dish out the juicy details they picked up over the school week.

“Oh my god! How did you NOT know that Julie McEntire’s parents were getting divorced?” asked  Lead Counselor Amanda Rossberg, who has been the queen of the inner circle ever since her arrival in 2011.

“Well, apparently, Jack Young is thinking about getting serious with his girlfriend after he graduates! It’s great to see. That’s brought him some much needed happiness in light of his falling grades and falling out with his freshman roommate,” reported James Soclov- who meets with Young on a weekly basis.

“Funny — because his girlfriend just told me that she’s ready to move on with her life and not looking to commit to anything right now because she’s moving to LA!” responded Ellie Nolan with eyes wide open.

BREAKING: Every Emerson Couple Breaks Up

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On Saturday at 11:03 AM, every Emerson-based couple broke up. The purge of heartbreak was caused for a variety of reasons, ranging from conflicting post-school plans to lack of interest to incidents of cheating.

“It was just time to move on,” explained approximately 50 percent of the parties involved.

Sources can confirm that Emerson’s couples had been fighting a lot more in recent days, which ultimately led to half the people within each Emerson couple to throw their hands in the air at 10:38 PM Thursday night and say “I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion right now,” to which a majority of the other half responded, saying, “Just admit it! You kissed [her/him/them]!”

While only about 50 percent of the individuals were happy with how things ended, 100 percent of students were under the impression that they won the breakup.

At press time, 348 text messages reading “i miss you” were being exchanged .

 

Five Minutes Into New Lion’s Tooth Management People Already Think ‘Old Stuff Was Better’

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Just mere minutes after the new Lion’s Tooth team took over the famous news outlet, a rising senior VMA major Chris Hayes was heard saying “I just think their old stuff was better, it has more experience, I hear they have some still-green-sophomores writing for the publication. They barely have the true Emerson experience. They probably only had food poisoning like, twice, from the DH. How will they capture the essence of my personal journey here at Emerson?” He was then reportedly attacked for unironically using the phrase “journey here at Emerson.” When asked for a comment the new writers said “uh, social media is huge?” More complaints on the attack and on new complaints about the new writing as the stories unfold.

Student Earns Emerson Degree By Guessing ‘C’ On Every Answer For Four Years

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Since the fall of 2013, Brayden Hallows has had a bold but simple strategy: the answer is probably C.

“I did it. I got my degree!” shouted the fourth year VMA student who, on every test, every quiz, no matter how big or small, just wrote ‘C’ for every answer.  “It wasn’t always easy. It wasn’t always the correct answer, but more often than not: it was good enough,” explained Brayden.

Although the odds of scoring higher than 25-30 percent on any given test using this strategy are slim, Hallows managed to pass every single exam she was asked to take with flying colors.

“[Hallows is] one of my brightest pupils,” claimed East German Parody Films of the 1870s instructor Gene Urboshoow. “At first I had my doubts when I noticed she paid absolutely no attention to my lectures, constantly missed classes, and displayed zero understanding of any of the material when I periodically called on her in class, but once I sat down to grade her exam? Correct! Correct! Correct! Correct! She has a bright future ahead of her. I can tell you that.”

At press time, the 22-year old was receiving a job offer from a company whose CEO had picked up her rèsumè that she had dropped on the ground outside by accident.