Report: Busy Student Has 15 Meetings Today; Still Has Time To Complain About All Of Them

BREAKING: Freshman Journalism Major Jessie Davis has a meeting with Good Morning Emerson, EAGLE, Emerson Poetry Project and 12 other organizations today. While the stressed Freshman is overwhelmed by her schedule, she somehow has plenty of time to complain about how busy she is.

“I am SO BUSY. It’s like I don’t even have time to think” Davis told Lion’s Tooth in a 3-hour long rant. After the interview, Lions’ Tooth reporters wondered if she was really that busy, how does she have all this time to complain?

Peppard’s professors shared a similar confusion. Intro To Journalism professor Rob Kimble told Lion’s Tooth “Ms. Davis had yet to turn in an assignment due to her ‘being on set for a BFA fill for 72 hours’ and claiming ‘to be so busy she often forgets her own name.’ Does anyone actually do real classwork here?”

At press time, Lion’s Tooth found Davis in the Iwasaki library watching Vine compilations and telling anyone she could about her full schedule.

Whole Campus Races To Make Best Joke About New Scaffolding

The entirety of Emerson College’s Boston campus raced to make the best joke about the new scaffolding located in front of the Walker Building early this week.

As news of the school’s addition to an ever-growing fleet of scaffolding spread, student leaders on campus began frantically throwing out joke ideas.

“At first I thought, maybe ‘the scaffolding is back and it’s better than ever’ would be pretty funny,” Piano Row RA Marnie Jefferson said. “But then I thought people might not get the reference to the Hess Truck jingle, so I went back to the drawing board.”

Student sketch comedy groups were spotted in Paramount rehearsal studios late Monday night attempting to use their own bodies to recreate the appearance of scaffolding for upcoming shows.

“It didn’t make sense,” said Jimmy’s Travelling All-Stars member Dan Shea. “We can’t figure out what’s funny about scaffolding anymore.”
Lion’s Tooth is committed to accuracy and superior quality in our work, not being first. For that reason, our editorial staff is still considering what the best joke regarding the new scaffolding is and will refrain from making a joke until we’ve found the right one.

Students in Library Study Rooms: “Stop Looking At Us Like We’re Zoo Animals”

Pictured above: One group of students fed up with your glances. | Lions Tooth Photography 

The students in those library study rooms have released a statement:

“Please. Stop looking at us like we’re zoo animals. We booked this room so we could get some actual work done for our Politics of Water class. Not so you could have some entertainment on your way to the quiet area.

We got this room to be in our own space, but instead we just end up being on display. How hard is it to not look in? What’s so enticing about those big windows? Is it purely the inquisitive nature of humans? Can you try not to think about networking for 6 seconds? Watch a vine or something. Just please stop turning your head ever so slightly to look at us.

And please, don’t tap on the glass. It scares us.”

ECAPS Now Aiding Students Whose Friend Just Returned From The Castle and Now Suck

Emerson’s counseling and psychological services department noticed a troubling trend arising this spring, and have now decided to something about it. Hundreds of eager sophomores and juniors were eagerly awaited to see their friend that attended Kasteel Well this fall, only to be severely disappointed when they discovered that their once cool friend totally sucks now.

“I don’t know what happened,” a visibly rattled Laureen Milesburg told Lion’s Tooth reporters. “Jessica used to be really cool and fun. Now all she does is talk about that one time she smoked weed in Amsterdam. We get it! It’s legal there! Relax!”

Other students were similarly disturbed by their friends change of character. Junior Todd Derickson complained that he was “shown the Lip Dub so many times” that everytime he hears “You Make My Dreams Come True” he becomes “physically ill.”

ECAPS counselors don’t see an end to once cool Emerson students totally sucking after spending 3 months in Europe. Counselors are now warning the student body to cut all ties ELA students before being disappointed once again.