Trump University Transfer Student Aims To Make It Big At Emerson

With Spring semester less than two months away, many transfer students are eagerly awaiting a second chance at a fulfilling college career with their future at Emerson. For former Trump University student — junior Spencer Douglas, he’s hoping to rise to the top like no one else before him.

“We can talk  about the lawsuit regarding my former college all day, but I’m really here to tell you that I will win and I will win big at Emerson,” shouted the riled up future Entrepreneurial Studies major during his phone interview with Lion’s Tooth.

Despite offering Spencer’s preferred major, Emerson’s focus as we all know is communications and the arts for the most parts — from publishing, marketing, to film and TV. While our reporters did attempt to ask him why he chose Emerson, Douglas avoided the question entirely.

However, when asked if he’d be enjoying any of the expansive liberal arts courses Emerson offers Douglas replied quickly with, “Liberal Arts? Yeah sure. More like ‘Conservative Arts’ Only thing I’ll be learning is how to make ‘yuuuge’ bank. Believe me!”

At press time, Spencer was putting his settlement of $20 from the Trump University lawsuit onto his ECash account.

Students Resume Classes With Renewed Sense Of Anxiety

After a relaxing time spent in its respective hometowns, the Emerson student body rejoined their classes on Monday and Tuesday with a newfangled level of stress concerning their academic efforts.

“Thanksgiving break was great!” reported Camella Johnson ’18. “Now it’s time for me to settle back into the groove and continue to be ridden with unease until mid to late December.”

Each of Emerson’s 3,789 students were able to put all the anxiety of finals, group projects, presentations, and reports they needed to work on aside for 60 hours and pretend, just for a fleeting moment, that they were not stretched as thin as a rail with soul-crushing fear and nervousness about failing in every aspect of their lives. Upon returning to campus, students were treated with a fresh scoop of the reality that they were up to their necks in impossible assignments and falling grades.

At press time, students were looking ahead to a time after college when they would only be burdened by the thought of finding a job to pay of thousands of dollars in debt.

 

Maria Menounos Returns To Emerson To Resolve Hold On eCommon Account

On Monday afternoon, actress, journalist, and television host Maria Menounos stopped into the seventh floor of the Ansin Building at her alma mater Emerson College to resolve a hold placed on her eCommon account in 1999.

Menounos, who borrowed a piece of audio equipment during her senior year at Emerson, visited the Audio Production & Post Production Center to pay the amount owed $3.42, which was now $4.95 with inflation being factored in.

“I figured it was about time to take care of it,” replied the E! News anchor. “I probably left that [locking 1/4″ audio adaptor] lying around in an editing suite somewhere.”

Maria was then informed that the hold would be lifted off her account “by the end of the day tomorrow and if nothing changes on eCommon just email us.”

At press time, the 38-year old was stopping by The Paramount Cafe for old time’s sake.

Emerson Students Walk In On Little Building Totally Naked

In a truly embarrassing moment for all, several hundred Emerson students returned to campus from Thanksgiving break to the site of Little Building totally disrobed.

“Oh my god! Where is your scaffolding?!” shouted all 748 students currently living in the 12-story residence hall.

Robin Jacobson ’19 was shocked and stunned at the site of LB standing out in the open without any covering whatsoever.

“Oh my god. I saw everything,” said the second year VMA major.

The Little Building did not respond to Lion’s Tooth reporters about the incident aside from a brief apology, explaining it was not expecting anybody to be home until Monday morning.

At press time, a group of students were seen giggling on Tremont street, remarking that they now know why it’s called the “Little” Building.

Student Eager To Come Out As Bipartisan At Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving vacation approaching, many students at Emerson are anxious at the prospect of having to interact with certain relatives after the results from this year’s presidential election. But for sophomore Ryan Gannet, this holiday season is looking to be the perfect time to reveal a long hidden lifestyle secret — he’s bipartisan.

“This election really proved how divided we still are as a country and I feel with that in mind, my own political divisiveness will finally be accepted among my family members,” explained the Journalism major when asked why he’s planning on coming out this year in particular, “I’m bipartisan and proud!”

While we here at Lion’s Tooth welcome a wide range of views and voices from our community, we extend our support to those students who dread where the family conversations will go during Thanksgiving. We truly hope Ryan’s openness can be example on how to approach these potentially politically charged family gatherings.

“Look it’s great that everyone here at this school is a bleeding heart liberal. I get it, I love Obama. But to get the other side’s opinions shoved down my throat is gonna be a much needed breath of fresh air,” reported an enthusiastic Gannet, “Who says you can’t be ‘with her’ and want to ‘make America great again?”

At press time, Gannet was listening to the Hamilton soundtrack on Spotify while writing an Odyssey piece on why he thinks Trumps’ administration should reinforce “Trickle Down Economics.”

A Message From The Center For Health And Wellness: “Would It Kill You Grungy Film Set Boys To Take A Shower Once In A While ?”

Seriously! You guys reek of cigarettes and stale PBR.  Even a bath would do! C’mon!

Emerson Facilities Responds To Reports Of Fully Functional Elevator

Emerson Facilities staff was forced to dig deep through the manuals when they received astonishing reports of a fully functioning elevator.

“This is unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” exclaimed elevator supervisor Brian Denson. “Every floor. At the push of a button. Doesn’t get stuck. Holy shit.”

Students were additionally surprised when the arrived at their respective classrooms Wednesday morning on time- some even 1-2 minutes early.

This puzzling, seemingly paradoxical phenomenon had maintenance workers baffled at what to do next.

“Should we just…leave it there?” asked Mateo Rodriguez.

RA Struggling To Find A Good Reason To Screen ‘Smokey And The Bandit’ In MPR

Often, the Resident Assistants of Emerson’s dorm community utilize screenings of films to bring to light discussions of greater importance — whether it be Selma with its focus on the challenges of racial discrimination or An Inconvenient Truth with its hard look at the burden of climate change.

However, for  RA Doug Lane ’19 — Piano Row 6th floor, the challenge of connecting his proposed screening event to a greater sociological topic has proven to be difficult.

“So yeah, I went to the Resident Director and said that I wanted to screen ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ in the MPR this Thursday at 8,” explained Lane to Lion’s Tooth, “But she like wanted me to have good reason to show it or whatever…it’s a hassle, I’ll tell ya that.”

When Lane’s proposal was denied by the Director, he reported that he went to the Housing and Residence Life office for assistance but was promptly told by several administrators to “pick another movie or do something else, Doug.”

Before a frustrated Lane left to do duty rounds he made one more final statement to Lion’s Tooth reporters, “It’s just a fun time at the movies, a total romp…shouldn’t that be enough?”

At press time, there was another goddamn viewing of Food Inc. in the 11th floor of LB, followed by a discussion on vegetarianism led by RAs Kassie and Sarah.

SPECTACULAR: This Professor Let Her Class Work In The Hall

Super cool research writing Professor Sarah Austin let her class change things up today when she invited her class to sit on the floor outside room 218 in the Walker Building.

“I thought this would be a great way to change things up a bit,” responded Austin, 41. “I’ve found that sometimes letting my students outside of the classroom to stretch their legs and get some fresh air leads to good collaboration. New settings are never a bad thing.”

At press time, the innovative professor was making plans to bring in some snacks to pass around next class.

PHOTO FLASH: Starstruck Student Just Saw Lee Pelton