EmCeleb’s Notoriety No Match For His Arrival

Fresh off his graduation, Emerson class of 2016 superstar Matt Jonas soon got hit with a big dose of reality when he found out how truly short lived his fame was.

On Monday night, the entire Tam suddenly lost all interest in the 22-year old former Emerson student when internationally famous Canadian pop star Justin Bieber entered the building. The crowd Jones had gathered was suddenly wished away as if his gravitational pull had been instantly deactivated.

When asked to comment, Jones said “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

Parent Lying To Kid About What “I Wanna Hate-Fuck You ‘Til You Die” Means After Alice Sebold’s Commencement Speech

By: Malcolm Kelner

After an inspiring and sometimes quirky Commencement speech by The Lovely Bones author Alice Sebold, a parent is currently lying to his kid about what it means to “hate-fuck you ’til you die” after the quote was used by Sebold in her address as an example of cyber bullying.

“It means… uh… when you make a joke and it makes someone laugh so hard that they ‘die’ of laughter, so to speak,” lied Walter Richardson, parent of a 2016 grad, to his 6-year-old son.

“Are you sure, Daddy?” the first-grader replied, his eyes wide with concern.

“Yes, yes, that’s what it means,” Richardson doubled-down hastily. “Hey look down there, can you see your sister in her cap and gown?!”

At press time, Richardson was wondering why Emerson couldn’t have gotten a more famous speaker in the first place.

Report: Local Unemployment Rate Expected To Spike At 1:00 PM

TRAGIC: EVYYs End With Student Getting Impaled By Own EVVY

 

 

What started as a night of celebration, ended in tragedy as outgoing senior Will Hardin tripped and fell on his own EVVY.

The pointed end of the 10 inch award, given to Will to honor him for his Outstanding Screenplay, punctured his abdomen immediately following a heartfelt acceptance speech, killing him instantly.

The 36th annual event received mostly positive reviews despite the incident.

PHOTO FLASH: Donald Trump Uses Cinco de Mayo To Reinforce Love For Emerson

Senior Week Ends In Typical “Emerson” Fashion As Baby Is Found On Cruise Ship

By: Malcolm Kelner

A memorable senior week for the Class of 2016 ended in unfortunate and typical “Emerson” fashion after an unknown baby was found on board the Spirit of Boston cruise ship, forcing it to turn around and dock a mere 40 minutes into the planned three hour trip.

Amid an enjoyable three levels of food, drinks, and dancing, an 11-month old baby disguised as a pirate ended it all by crawling up to one of the ship bars and requesting a “Captain and Coke.” The bartender immediately phoned the authorities about the incident and the ship abruptly turned around back to shore.

“Ay, matey! I was just requestin’ a simple beverage,” the baby protested as it was restrained. “The pipe and tats prove I is indeed of age. Arghhhh!”

As the ship made a 180 degree turn, groans emanated from the cruise participants, some of whom paid $30 in advance, and other less fortunate ones who paid $80 closer to the event. Boston Child Protective Services was waiting at shore to pick up the baby and attempt to identify it.

“This is really unfortunate,” said Class of 2016 representative Nicky Tinglehoff. “We spent nearly a year planning this but I guess this is a very ‘Emerson’ way to end things.

“It started off so fun,” echoed fellow class representative Madeline Bayless. “It’s a shame that baby was able to sneak on board and blow it for everyone, but oh well. Typical Emerson.”

At press time, the Class of 2016 was making a desperate attempt to salvage the night by getting wasted at The Tam.

“No Pressure, But Don’t Fuck Up,” Graduating Lion’s Tooth Founders Tell Successor

By: Charlie Greenwald and Malcolm Kelner 

With the remaining two of the three original founders of Lion’s Tooth preparing to graduate and leave Emerson on Sunday, they decided to call their handpicked successor, him, and wish him the best, while also warning him not to destroy the empire they created.

“We think you’ll do a great job,” Co-Founder Malcolm Kelner assured him. “But if you screw this up, I swear to God, we will come back to campus and fucking kill you.”

Other graduating Co-Founder Charlie Greenwald went on to remind him of the extensive sacrifices that he, Kelner, and Jeremy Vandroff (Class of 2015) made while building the site into the #1 news source at Emerson College, achieving 1,000 Facebook page likes, over 100,000 website views, and mentions in The Boston Globe and Broadway World.

“These numbers don’t create themselves,” Greenwald emphasized. “Each like took blood, sweat and tears that we will never get back.”

He then explained that in order to keep delivering death blows to competitors like the Freakin’ Beakin, the editor of the page must not only be hilarious, but also constantly on top of the pulse of the institution.

“All three of us worked our asses off to uphold the page,” Greenwald said. “We think you’ll pass with flying colors, but if you’re not up to snuff, you will not only be removed from the site, but also from the Earth.”

Recently, the Co-Founders collectively decided to hand the site off to him due to his loyal fandom, site promotion, and frequent guest submissions. They did, however, continue to warn him that failing in his new role would have dire consequences.

“If you do as well as we did, you’ll be the biggest EmCeleb this school has ever known,” Kelner told him. “But if not, not even the Berkeley Beacon will let you write for them. AtlasBlog too- whatever that is.”

At press time, Greenwald and Kelner were searching for a new purpose in life.

Lee Pelton Kisses The Forehead Of Every Student Moving Out As They Get Into Their Parent’s Car

As a way of showing gratitude for the 2016-17 academic year, Emerson president Lee Pelton spent this past week embracing all 1916 on-campus students as they moved out of their respective residence halls this week.

For two days straight, Pelton stood back, let out a sigh, and watched as every single student drive away into the distance.

“She’s good to go!” Screamed Pelton as he slammed the door of Jackie Minloni ’19’s mother’s 2006 Honda Odyssey, and then graced the undergrad’s forehead with a kiss.

Pelton reportedly stood next to every student as they left Emerson until next fall, shedding a single tear, reminding himself that August is right around the corner.

“Take care of him” said Pelton sternly into the eyes of sophomore Chris Vilinsky’s mother Sheryl Vilinsky, before giving the 20 year old journalism student a kiss upon the forehead.

Pelton was later seen through Mark Stromer’s dad’s rear view mirror chasing after the car yelling “Wait! You forgot something!”

At press time, Pelton was spotted putting bumper stickers with Emerson’s controversial new logo on the back of a 2006 Toyota Highlander.