We Did The Math: DH Costs $374 Per Swipe

We did the math, and the results may surprise you.

By Jeremy Vandroff

We did the math. Emerson College’s Dining Hall, a bastion of controversy and vegan options, costs $374 dollars per swipe.

Going undercover, an investigative team of reporters from this publication did the math.

“Math isn’t always easy to do,” quipped Charlie Greenwald, co-founder of the Lion’s Tooth. “But we did it. We did the math.”

The Dining Hall has long since been a hotbed of criticism: Small portions, limited meal swipes per semester, not enough taco nights. Take your pick. And to top it all off, sources are confirming we did the math.

If we explained our rigorous extrapolation process of costs and profits, you would get bored, but just know that we did the math.

In a nutshell, most of the money coming out of your parent’s pocket to feed you goes toward that television in the back room. The same one the 7 Emerson sports bros commandeer every fucking day. The rest of your parent’s hard earned cash is spent on the vegan options.

“The rest of the stuff is cheap as hell, or just donated,” explained head of Sodexo Bob Brillow. “Take the lactose free ice cream machine. You think we paid for that thing? People can’t get rid of lactose free ice cream machines fast enough.”

At press time, Brillow was explaining how Sodexo could potentially cut the average cost of a meal swipe to $259 if they quit offering silverware.

We did the math.

Film Major Won’t Just Shut Up During Movie

By: Malcolm Kelner

On Monday night, an Emerson film major wouldn’t shut up during a movie playing in the 11^th floor Little Building common room. Sources tell us around 25 students were in the room attempting to watch “The Dark Knight,” but had their viewing experience ruined by sophomore film major Derek Christensen, who just couldn’t keep his god damn mouth shut.

“Every ten seconds it was, ‘oh, that’s a terrific tight shot’ or, ‘the rule of thirds was totally broken there but it worked,” freshman Marquise Johnson said. “It was unbearable.”

“Like dude, we get that you’re a film major, but enough is enough,” added junior Julia Lee.

Sources added that while never told directly to can it, many students watching would audibly sigh or groan when Christensen would proclaim, “That’s classic Nolan!” or offer another one of his obnoxious critiques, but that didn’t faze the insolent little know-it-all, who was determined to not let a movie in his presence be enjoyed if there was anything he could do about it.

At press time, Christensen was having an animated tirade at his roommate, who had said he was going outside to “film” part of his project, despite using a digital camera that didn’t even record on film.

Lazy Fucking Sophomore Takes the T From Boylston to Park Street on Day of Light Rain

By Charlie Greenwald

Sources confirmed today that indolent student Kyle Pierce took the MBTA transit system from the Boylston Street station to the Park Street station today, just down the street.

Onlookers shook their heads as Pierce, 19, left the Little Building with an umbrella and walked down Tremont Street into the Boylston Street station, only to emerge 5 minutes later at the Park Street station. He then walked into Burger King.

“It’s a two minute walk, for Christ’s sake,” said Professor Miles Hawthorne. “I’m 67 and I do it every day, unless of course it’s a thunderstorm, but that wasn’t today.”

Many Emerson students have noted that the ride Pierce took is not uncommon. In fact, many students take the T from Boylston to Park on extremely rainy days. However, Pierce did the walk on what many considered to be a slightly drizzly afternoon, thus making the deed egregious.

“He’s a lazy douche,” said friend Satchel Pinkman.

At press time, Pierce was taking the elevator to the third floor of Walker.

Yep, There She Is Again

By: Malcolm Kelner

Yep, there she is again.

And again.

She is always there.

Report: Nobody Knows Why ESPN is on in Piano Row Lobby

By Jeremy Vandroff

ESPN is on in the Piano Row lobby, and sources confirm that nobody has any clue as to why that is.

“They’ve got Emerson Channel on the top left, and J Channel on the top right, which is cool,” observed freshman Carl Robinson, 18. “And CNN is on the bottom left, which makes sense because we all like to keep up with current events. And then there’s ESPN.”

The VMA major from Newton pointed out that nobody on his Piano Row dormitory floor watches ESPN, or is very “into sports and stuff.”

“It just seems like we could have Emerson Channel on twice instead,” chimed in sophomore Emily Jackson. “The EVVYs were amazing last year!”

After canvassing the Piano Row lobby for several hours, it was still unclear if anyone passing by had ever watched the sports programming offered in the bottom right corner of the monitor display.

At press time, several WLP students were hocking a petition, promising to replace the ESPN screen with a book of Emily Dickinson poems.

Freshman From Arkansas Lies About Home State for 34th Time This Week

By Charlie Greenwald

Sources confirmed that Bailey Millhouse, a freshman from Fayetteville, Arkansas, has lied about her home state for the 34^th time this week. This comes after several days of complaints from her friends and classmates.

“Bailey lied to me for weeks,” said Kip Jennigan, a classmate of Millhouse’s. “One day she tells me she is from Seattle, the next week she says she is from Chicago… At first I thought she moved around a lot, but then I realized she was full of shit.”

Initial reports asserted that Millhouse, 19, has been repeatedly petrified all year long of revealing her home state, being ostracized and labeled a cultural stereotype by her peers.

“It’s just not worth it,” Millhouse explained to reporters outside her Paramount dormitory. “Nobody wants to discuss politics or social issues with someone from ‘The Natural State.’”

Some students weren’t fooled from the start. Joe Skipson, a sophomore from Los Angeles, knew right away that Bailey wasn’t being entirely truthful.

“She told me she grew up in Los Angeles too, and so I asked her what neighborhood, and she said Fresno,” Skipson said. “That’s when I knew she was clearly from the South but didn’t want anyone to know.”

At press time, Millhouse was in the library checking out a book on Newt Gingrich.

White Female Student Posts BuzzFeed List On Other White Female Student’s Facebook Timeline

By: Malcolm Kelner

This afternoon, white female Emerson freshman Mary Holmes posted a link from contemporary social news site BuzzFeed on fellow white female freshman Anna Stephenson’s Facebook timeline.

Sources told The Lion’s Tooth that the girls are roommates in a six-person suite in the Piano Row dormitory and were indeed both in their shared bedroom when Holmes made the post.

“#6 and #11 are us,” the caption of the post read, atop the link to the BuzzFeed article, “26 Signs That Show You And Your Best Friend Were Meant For Each Other.” The article contained a list with a short sentence and corresponding GIF from a popular movie or TV show for each number of the list.

At press time, Stephenson had just ‘liked’ the post, and commented, “I’m dead. #14 is pretty on point too lol.”

“Will and Grace” Set Fails to Make it Big in Hollywood, Forced to Move Back in with Iwasaki Library

By Jeremy Vandroff

After a bittersweet farewell last spring, a failed attempt at Hollywood has forced Emerson’s storied “Will and Grace” set to move back in with the Iwasaki Library.

“LA is a tough town,” said the haggard looking set. “One day you’re on top, lapping it up. Next thing you know people are calling you things like ‘washed up’ and ‘one dimensional.’ But that’s bullshit, everyone knows I’m three dimensional. I’m a damn television set!”

Sources say the set, which left Boston last spring as thousands of well wishers looked on, was unable to impress talent scouts in Southern California. After a few roles as an unpaid extra on “New Girl,” the calls stopped coming.

“I definitely learned a lot out here, so I wouldn’t call it a failure,” said the set, which was found panhandling on Venice pier by a few Emerson LA students, who immediately called the Iwasaki Library.

“We just want the best for the “Will and Grace” set, said Senior Michelle Robinson, who found the set wearing a beanie and flannel, begging for quarters.

The Iwasaki Library appears ready to welcome the set back with open arms.

“Everyone fails a few times when they try to spread their wings and fly,” quipped the Library. “I’m happy to take the set in for a while, until it gets back on it’s feet.”

At press time, the Library was kicking out the 3 Ikea chairs which had filled the empty space, telling them, “It’s just not working out.”

Graduating Senior Posts Heartfelt Facebook Status

By: Malcolm Kelner

Following the completion of her last final on Thursday morning, senior journalism major Sarah Adams made a heartfelt and emotional Facebook status about graduating Emerson College and leaving Boston.

In the two-paragraph post, Adams waxed poetic with such lines as, “I look back at walking into Piano Row during move-in for the first time three and a half years ago and it feels like yesterday,” reminisced about the “countless memories and cherished lifelong friends I made during my journey,” and concluded with, “Boston, this isn’t a goodbye, but merely a see you later. I love you.”

At press time, Adams was pissed off that fellow early graduate Jess Kaiser’s status, reading merely, “I’M DONE WITH KOLIJ KBYE.” had nearly three times more likes than her’s did.

Student Avoids Eye Contact From Student Activists Camped Outside Dining Hall

By: Malcolm Kelner

A student successfully avoided making eye contact, and therefore conversation, with a group of three Emerson student activists camped out at a fold-up table to the left of the Little Building dining hall door on Monday.

Multiple sources confirm sophomore VMA major Maddie Livingston hurriedly shuffled past the enthusiastic activists on her way to the dining hall for lunch, even pretending to text on her cell phone in order to prevent herself from being an easy target for whom the activists could hawk their progressive ideas.

Sources added as soon as she made it to the top of the stairs to the Little Building’s second floor and heard an Adele remix blasting from around the corner on what turned out to be a Beats Pill, she was ready to be elusive, quickly taking her phone out from her pocket and bracing herself for the worst.

“I think they were promoting environmental consciousness, or maybe it was some SGA bullshit,” Livingston told reporters.

“Or actually wait… I thought I might have overheard something about unionizing?”

After finishing her lunch, the Sacramento, California native took a hard left out of the dining hall, checked her e-mail on one of the public iMac desktop computers despite not expecting any important messages, wrapped her way around the entire balcony of the floor, continued through the back hallway behind the elevators, and scampered down the stairs back to the lobby.

“I think I should be safe down here,” she said, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow.