Month: October 2016
Heartbreaking: Elliott Yamin Walked Right Through Emerson Quidditch Practice And Nobody Noticed Him
On Monday afternoon, Elliott Yamin strode directly through a Boylston Berserkers Quidditch practice, totally unnoticed.
Despite making it to the final three of American Idol’s fifth season, the 38 year old could just have easily been an autumn leaf in the wind during today’s quaffle-based drills.
One of only three humans to outlast Chris Daughtry, Yamin narrowly avoided 5’8 Golden Snitch Jaclyn Patel who whizzed by the contemporary R&B singer and songwriter, without so much as a “Hey man! Watch out!”
Yamin declined to comment if he was bothered by not being even acknowledged despite his debut single Wait For You being certified gold in Japan just over eight years ago.
At press time, members of the Park Street Pulverizers were debating if a homeless man was in fact Taylor Hicks or just an extremely convincing lookalike.
VMA Department Scraps Plans For “Topic In Media Arts Practice: Do It for The Vine”
With the recent announcement that social media giant Twitter would be shutting down the short-form video sharing app Vine, the Emerson VMA department has been forced to discard its plans for a new course under the “Topic in Media Arts Practice” designation entitled Do It For The Vine.
Intended to introduce students to the theory and practice of what makes a Vine, the course was expected to provide an outlet for students that lack the real skills to participate in an actual film set as well as those who think personally they’re genuinely funny and seem to always be “on.”
“Obviously we’re shocked about the announcement and are sorely disappointed that we must scrap all the curriculum research and work we’ve compiled for the past year and half,” reported VMA co-chair David Logan, “We were sure the number of obnoxious, self-involved ‘Vine Stars’ was keeping the site alive.”
While the course was to be open to all VMA students, its main aim was to fulfill a “production” requirement for students in the newly introduced Comedic Arts major.
When asked about the course’s cancellation, Shannon Stevens ’20 told the Lion’s Tooth, “It’s definitely frustrating you know, I was hoping to finally bring my comedic talents to new areas …at least there’s always Snapchat. Here’s hoping there’s a class for that, because frankly my content is lit 24/7…oh real quick, let me show you this funny selfie I took with the Small Face filter!!!”
At press time, the VMA department released another press statement reiterating that, “…social media is still huge despite this small setback.”
Students Asked To Stop Smearing ‘The Beacon Lies’ In Blood On Walls Of School Bathrooms
Emerson College Police and Emerson Facilities released a statement on Thursday asking students to kindly refrain from smearing ‘The Beacon Lies’ in blood on the school’s bathroom walls.
“Please, we know it’s tempting. But please. This has to stop,” begged Restroom Sanitation Supervisor Mark Kaberr.
According to ECPD’s records, the amount of incidents in which somebody has plastered those three arguably true words upon the walls of the college’s bathrooms was estimated to be between 15 and 20 this semester alone.
Emerson Police veteran Dave Strombundi who has lead the case which is investigating this string of understandable but still illegal vandalism wrote the following statement:
“Students. Listen. The entire police department is aware of the countless times the Beacon not only lied but goofed, omitted, blundered, erred, neglected, passed over, misquoted, misconstrued, miscalculated, muffed, misspelled, stretched the truth, or otherwise just proved to be a piss poor news source from top to bottom, but– uh, where was I? Right. The bathrooms. Cut it out guys.”
At press time, ECPD officers were being flooded with reports of the phrase ‘Social Media is Huge’ seen written in gasoline fueled flames near the Boston Common gazebo.
Elephant In The Room: Four People Unliked Us This Month
Social Media is huge. That goes without saying.
But this weekend, Facebook showed the Lion’s Tooth editors something we wish we hadn’t seen: FOUR people unliked us this month.
Following an emotional emergency meeting, the writers walked with two questions to propose to those four, in the hopes that we can gain some much needed closure. All we ask is that you answer truthfully.
- Why?
Was it something we said? Is our content not up to your standards? Did we perhaps offend you? Maybe we’re just annoying you! We’re not here to judge. We just think we have a right to know.
2. How can we win you back?
Frankly, everything we do is for likes. The only thing we crave more than social media traction is an EVVY. I think we have the latter locked up. That being said. We need you back and we need you to tell us how.
EXPOSED: We Asked SGA For Recognition So We Could Buy Some Fries From P-Cafe…They Didn’t Email Us Back Yet
They’ll regret this one day !
Sodexo Brings In Actual Mothers For Home-Cooked Meal Themed Night
A new undertaking from Emerson College’s food provider, Sodexo, has called upon real-life moms to bring the real taste of home into their dining hall. On Tuesday night, Sodexo deployed an army of mothers behind the counters, on the grills, and even in the dishwashing room to create a sense of comfort in the Little Building.
“Whooooooooooo’s hungry?!” asked Jenenne Morgan, as she pulled a plate of her homemade shepherd’s pie out of the dining hall’s oven.
Three of the 12 mothers involved were reportedly were donning aprons that read “kiss the cook”.
At press time, the event was cancelled after all the dads who were hired to partake in the event forgot about it and decided to just pick up pizza on the way home.
Senior Still Waiting On Crush To Pick Up On Emerson Confessional Hint
Jacoby Prebble ’17 took a chance two years ago, and never looked back. However, his plan is working slower than intended. In 2014, Prebble dropped a bombshell on the since deactivated anonymous students-tell-all Facebook page – “Emerson Confessional”
“I practically spelled it out for her,” exclaimed the 22-year old who is still waiting on fellow former classmate Sarah Powell to make a move.
On November 14th, 2014, the now dormant page published the following:
“To the girl who sits diagonal from me in Intro to Visual Arts…. you have the best smile.”
Prebble argues that the brief post “could not have been more clear” and “really took [him] a lot of inner courage” to actually put it out there.
At press time, Powell was applying to the ELA Program in what Prebble described as an attempt at “playing hard to get”.
“I’m totally cool with the long distance thing- if that’s what’s holding her back.”
Parents Weekend Makes Allston Party Totally Awkward
Ah, parents weekend. A time both anticipated and dreaded by college students across the nation. The promise of free food, spending money, and quality time with loved ones mixes with the constant fear of parental embarrassment and the fact that your Dad might finally realize that you’ve actually been buying beer with the money he gave you for schoolbooks creates an atmosphere unlike any other.
Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to some awkward scenarios, like the one on Friday night where the Lacrosse team’s Allston “Parents Freek-end” party was “totally weird,” due to the excessive amount of adults in their 50’s in attendance
“The whole night was just really uncomfortable,” Junior Emma Flanders said, “all the parents kept trying to get their kids to pose for photos and they kept requesting “Beat it” and “The Electric Slide” from the DJ.”
Other student accounts are similar with reports of terrible dancing, shocked expressions, lots and lots of brandy in flasks, and the constant inability to understand youth culture.
“I go to parties to try and meet girls,” said sophomore Jake Blankman as his mother attempted to clean a bit of dirt off his face, “but my mom and dad kept scaring everyone off when they said every girl I talked to would make a nice wife. I don’t know why I thought bringing them would be a good idea.”
No other partygoers were available for comment as they were all reportedly being dragged down the freedom trail against their will.
CAMPUS ADVISORY: Someone Signed A Suffolk Student Into Colonial As A Guest…Gross!
Ew…her name is like Shelley or something.
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