Lee Pelton Sends Out Mass Email Addressed as “Dear Emerson Community”, But This Time, Nobody Died

Emerson President Lee Pelton has recently been praised by the College for his recent selection of emails sent out to students. The catch is: they have nothing to do with someone dying.

“I was in shock” stated Emerson Junior Ryan Donahue. “I’m glad I got an email from President Pelton declaring seasons greetings to the students of Emerson. Usually my first thought when I get an email from Lee is: ‘oh fuck, not again.’”

The sky is the limit in terms of future emails from Pelton. Sources say students could expect more surprising emails from the Emerson President including a snow day alert or even a congratulatory message to those being commenced at the conclusion of the semester. 

Despite the wave of surprise following Pelton’s recent uncharacteristic emails, some students seem to not be too fond of his new style. Freshmen student Kylie Garland  says “I was really upset about President Pelton’s email stating there will be no Taco Tuesday this week. I wish he would just go back to his Grim Reaper shtick.”

There’s just no knowing what Pelton could send out next. But for now, we can take light in the fact an email from Lee is no longer a confirmed eulogy.

You Got The Big Internship! But You Never Knew Because The Email Came In Through [Post Master].

Now you’re mad at the company because you think that they never got back to you. 

And the company is mad at you. Turns out the internship was so big that the company had significant connections in the industry and are now blacklisting your name because of how unprofessional it was of you to not get back to such a prestigious institution after they offered you a job. 

You graduate later that semester and now can’t seem to get a job anywhere and you don’t know why. 

Your sense of self worth slowly diminishes – you were a good student and had a great resume – and now you think that there is something seriously wrong with your personality because at this point, you should have a job. 

You think that you need to seriously work on yourself, so you sign up for a 6 month long outward bound silent retreat program in Costa Rica. 

You are making great strides and growing as a person until a rainstorm hits the island. Your group leaders thought the storm would pass, but it ended up being a major hurricane devastating vast areas of Costa Rica, specifically the area you were in. 

Your body was never found, and you died on the silent retreat. You tried taking shelter under a tree but another tree fell down on top of you. The waves consumed your body. Your body was then eaten by an Orca, which is very uncommon for whales to do. 

The soundtrack to the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm starts playing as the Orca goes to town on your corpse.

Lee Pelton sends out a mass email to the Emerson community about your horrific passing, but no one ever finds out you died, because his email was sent through [Post Master].

Allston Rat Offers Tutoring Sessions For ‘History Of Jazz’ Classes

As the end of the semester rapidly approaches, one Allston resident is taking the extra step to make sure Emerson students are prepared for their MU-239 History Of Jazz final this April.

Starting this week, Robbie the Jazz Rat will offer tutoring sessions for any Emerson student worried about their grasp on the nuanced subtleties in jazz music throughout the years. Robbie, a professional musician himself, knows how important History of Jazz is to Emerson students and wants to do everything in his power to keep grade point averages up.

“Jazz is a pretty big deal,” Robbie said, shortly after pulling a half-eaten bag of Five Guys french fries out of a dumpster. “And it’s fundamental to a liberal arts education. Buddy Bolden, Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis – it just doesn’t get better than that. I always find myself quoting that movie La La Land, you ever heard of that? I say ‘What do you mean you don’t like jazz?’. Between you and me, I even think I kind of look like Ryan Gosling.

Robbie’s tutoring sessions will be held on the tracks of the Boston College Green Line train outside Paradise Rock Club in Allston. If you can’t make it out there, don’t fret- Robbie is small enough to fit right under the crack in your door to come directly to your dorm room.

“I’m just excited to work with the kids, you know?” Robbie said.  “I just love sharing the history of my craft. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to scurry across this group of friends walking down the street. Really give ‘em a fright.”

Opinion: Emerson Isn’t On The Common. It’s Next To It.

It’s 2:30 PM on a Wednesday.

With my two dollar Dunkin iced coffee in hand, I stroll through the Common. It’s not unusual to see fellow Emerson College classmates on the closest thing we have to a quad.

I see two faces enjoying the sun. I recognize them, but I don’t know them.  And as I walk past, I overhear one sentence.

“I love that Emerson is right on the Common.”

My music is quiet enough to allow those words to bang against my ear drums. I need silence.

I cut the theme to Jurassic Park, and I listen to the conversation.

“I agree! It’s so nice going to a school that’s right on the Common.”

Again, the words bang. Louder this time.

I don’t think it was necessary for this friend to repeat the exact words.

I look around. We’re right in the heart of the common. And Emerson College is not here.

It’s there. Next to the Common.

— — —

Time and time again, Emerson College is referred to as being right on the Common. These statements are coming from advertisements, faculty members, and students.

Let’s compare some data.

(above, Image A. below, Image B)

Image A is the world we live in.

Image B is a fantasy land. One in which Emerson College is right on the Common.

I can’t take this any longer. I am proud to be a Lion, but moments like this make it extremely difficult. We need to be better.

Being right next to the Common is just as good as being right on it. We have plenty of proud accomplishments. Let’s focus on those! Talk about the Will and Grace revival. (That episode with Nick Offerman? Loved it!)

But please, don’t go around claiming blatant delusions as fact.

That’s what the Berkeley Beacon is for.

We Forgot To Submit To The EVVYs. What Are We Supposed To Tell Our Dads Now?

Since the dawn of Lion’s Tooth’s creation, our editorial staff has always coveted one prestigious honor above all else in the entertainment industry: an EVVY Award.

This publication narrowly missed our goal at the 35th annual EVVY Awards in 2016. Our dream of winning an award from the largest student-run, multi-camera award show in the United States was crushed. This year, our new editorial staff was confident in our ability to secure a nomination for the 37th EVVY Awards this May.

But then we forgot to submit ourselves for a nomination. The deadline passed. So, we ask you, our dutiful readers: what are we supposed to tell our dads now?

We told our dads we were shoe-ins for the biggest award in the country. They are really counting on this. You see, we pay a lot of money to attend this school, and we hoped to impress our dads and give them the trophy as a birthday present. We’re not sure what to do now.

At press time, we beg this of you: If anyone has any connections at the EVVYs, please ask them to consider letting us submit late. Our relationship with our dads depends on it.

 

Yes, You DID Forget To Complete Huge Assignment Before Spring Break

BOSTON- Despite meticulously spacing out time to complete all your assignments before heading home for Emerson’s spring break, you somehow managed to completely forget to finish that assignment – the one that will count for a huge percentage of your grade, earn your professor’s respect, and inch you closer to that perfect 4.0 GPA.

As you stare at your notes, horrified and halfway home on a Greyhound bus, you realized you even started the assignment last Sunday, planning to trudge through a portion of it each day so as not to stress yourself out too much. What could have made you forget entirely about such an important assignment?

Your feel queasy as you remember just exactly what distracted you entirely from completing your major task for the week: your suitemate, pounding on your door, reminding you the dining hall had served macaroni and cheese that night. Macaroni and cheese, it seems, is all that stands between you and a good grade. You sink a little bit in your seat, disappointed in yourself.

At press time, you were seen frantically drafting an email to your professor, who had loudly announced last class they would not be answering any emails whatsoever during spring break.

 

Report: Busy Student Has 15 Meetings Today; Still Has Time To Complain About All Of Them

BREAKING: Freshman Journalism Major Jessie Davis has a meeting with Good Morning Emerson, EAGLE, Emerson Poetry Project and 12 other organizations today. While the stressed Freshman is overwhelmed by her schedule, she somehow has plenty of time to complain about how busy she is.

“I am SO BUSY. It’s like I don’t even have time to think” Davis told Lion’s Tooth in a 3-hour long rant. After the interview, Lions’ Tooth reporters wondered if she was really that busy, how does she have all this time to complain?

Peppard’s professors shared a similar confusion. Intro To Journalism professor Rob Kimble told Lion’s Tooth “Ms. Davis had yet to turn in an assignment due to her ‘being on set for a BFA fill for 72 hours’ and claiming ‘to be so busy she often forgets her own name.’ Does anyone actually do real classwork here?”

At press time, Lion’s Tooth found Davis in the Iwasaki library watching Vine compilations and telling anyone she could about her full schedule.

Whole Campus Races To Make Best Joke About New Scaffolding

The entirety of Emerson College’s Boston campus raced to make the best joke about the new scaffolding located in front of the Walker Building early this week.

As news of the school’s addition to an ever-growing fleet of scaffolding spread, student leaders on campus began frantically throwing out joke ideas.

“At first I thought, maybe ‘the scaffolding is back and it’s better than ever’ would be pretty funny,” Piano Row RA Marnie Jefferson said. “But then I thought people might not get the reference to the Hess Truck jingle, so I went back to the drawing board.”

Student sketch comedy groups were spotted in Paramount rehearsal studios late Monday night attempting to use their own bodies to recreate the appearance of scaffolding for upcoming shows.

“It didn’t make sense,” said Jimmy’s Travelling All-Stars member Dan Shea. “We can’t figure out what’s funny about scaffolding anymore.”
Lion’s Tooth is committed to accuracy and superior quality in our work, not being first. For that reason, our editorial staff is still considering what the best joke regarding the new scaffolding is and will refrain from making a joke until we’ve found the right one.

Students in Library Study Rooms: “Stop Looking At Us Like We’re Zoo Animals”

Pictured above: One group of students fed up with your glances. | Lions Tooth Photography 

The students in those library study rooms have released a statement:

“Please. Stop looking at us like we’re zoo animals. We booked this room so we could get some actual work done for our Politics of Water class. Not so you could have some entertainment on your way to the quiet area.

We got this room to be in our own space, but instead we just end up being on display. How hard is it to not look in? What’s so enticing about those big windows? Is it purely the inquisitive nature of humans? Can you try not to think about networking for 6 seconds? Watch a vine or something. Just please stop turning your head ever so slightly to look at us.

And please, don’t tap on the glass. It scares us.”

ECAPS Now Aiding Students Whose Friend Just Returned From The Castle and Now Suck

Emerson’s counseling and psychological services department noticed a troubling trend arising this spring, and have now decided to something about it. Hundreds of eager sophomores and juniors were eagerly awaited to see their friend that attended Kasteel Well this fall, only to be severely disappointed when they discovered that their once cool friend totally sucks now.

“I don’t know what happened,” a visibly rattled Laureen Milesburg told Lion’s Tooth reporters. “Jessica used to be really cool and fun. Now all she does is talk about that one time she smoked weed in Amsterdam. We get it! It’s legal there! Relax!”

Other students were similarly disturbed by their friends change of character. Junior Todd Derickson complained that he was “shown the Lip Dub so many times” that everytime he hears “You Make My Dreams Come True” he becomes “physically ill.”

ECAPS counselors don’t see an end to once cool Emerson students totally sucking after spending 3 months in Europe. Counselors are now warning the student body to cut all ties ELA students before being disappointed once again.