BOSTON- Starbucks employees were seen noticeably upgrading the coffee shop’s defense mechanisms at its 62 Boylston Street location as they anticipate the return of some 4,000 Emerson College students for the school’s Spring 2018 semester.
“Barbed wire, landmines, Make America Great Again posters,” said Starbucks barista Denise Lowe. “We’re going all out this semester to make sure Emerson students don’t storm in here every morning. You didn’t hear it from me, but I’m pretty sure we’re installing a moat slash drawbridge combo tomorrow.”
After the Dunkin’ Donuts on the other corner of Boylston St. and Tremont St. shut down this past summer as part of Little Building’s renovations, 62 Boylston’s Starbucks stands as the most prominent chain coffee shop on Emerson’s campus. Each day, dozens, if not hundreds, of students pack into the little shop in the hopes of getting coffee five minutes before their 10:00 AM class begins. Despite Starbucks ramping up their defenses, though, Emerson students seem confident they’ll be able to buy their coffee come Tuesday morning.
“I really don’t care I have to cross a moat, fight a few guards, and stand in a line out the door with only minutes to go before class,” said Marcus Thornton, a senior theatre studies major. “If I don’t get my coffee on time, it’s their fault, not mine.”
The Emerson College community is reeling after a bombshell announcement from the Office of Marketing confirmed what was long held as merely a rumor: beloved mascot Griff the Lion has anatomically correct genitalia.
This addition to Griff’s look has the Emerson community divided. “I just don’t quite understand why a mascot needs genitalia,” says VMA professor Michael Lind. “I mean, they don’t need to reproduce or excrete waste. Griff is not real. Am I the only one who remembers Griff is not a real thing?” Others, like freshman journalism student Scott Powers, disagree. “I’m into it.”
Lion’s Tooth has received conflicting reports as to when and how this genitalia emerged. Sophomore WLP student Doug Brown infamously declared last spring that he “saw [Griff’s genitalia] once” and “it was disgusting.” However, in a comment to Lion’s Tooth, a spokesperson for the school stated, “This is a new thing. Griff didn’t have genitalia last week, and now Griff does. The how, the when, the why? That is between Griff and Griff’s God.”
When asked for comment, Griff’s God responded, “I just thought it would be funny.”
Hey you, VMA Freshman! The new semester is almost here, and you’re ready to take VM120! And you’re in luck, because you have the cool foundations professor! Awesome! Get ready to have a fun semester with Joseph! That’s right, you call him by his first name because Joseph is the cool professor. He doesn’t believe in the traditional way of doing things! But don’t worry, that’s good! You’re not a traditional student! You’re special, and Joseph will make sure you know that. But will it make you respect him?
You’re going to see all of his experimental films he posted to vimeo, and get to ask yourself, ‘Oh wait, this is my first film school professor?’ like all of his students before you!
Joseph will spend lectures encouraging more women to get in the film industry, but that won’t stop him from showing you his favorite scenes from Annie Hall! Art is art, I guess!
Lion’s Tooth was able to get a quote from a former student of Joseph’s on his way out of the registrar’s office.
“Oh, you have Joseph? Yeah, he’s a really cool professor. Did I respect him? Well, I mean, he did spend a whole class exclusively talking about Tame Impala music videos, and I was a little concerned because you know, this school is pretty expensive, but he’s really really cool. You’ll like him!” said Dylan, journalism sophomore
A new Indiegogo campaign for senior Jessica Beckman’s BFA short film “Shattered” hit Emerson students’ Facebook newsfeeds Monday afternoon, vaguely promising to cap off Beckman’s “tremendously successful” Emerson career by requesting all of your goddamn money.
Beckman’s campaign purports the film as “an introspective look into the mind of a young woman struggling to pick up the pieces after her parents’ deaths,” and takes great care to mention each and every Emerson student working with her to produce the film, as well as slyly letting you know you’re going to have to give up every single dollar you have for her to receive in A in the course.
Without providing any sort of realistic budget, expectations, or even deadline for her film, Beckman writes “Look, I know there are a lot of student films in production this semester. I don’t want any of them to succeed at the expense of ‘Shattered’s eventual success. For that to happen, I need your money. All of it. Thanks.”
At press time, you inexplicably found yourself pledging $1500 to ‘Shattered’ in exchange for an invitation to Beckman’s birthday party in March.
The women of Emerson College are letting out a collective sigh of relief this Winter Break. While there are many reasons to celebrate this holiday season, female students are thrilled to be as far away as possible from male classmates telling them to read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.
Sophomore WLP Major Monica Stewart told Lion’s Tooth reporters that no matter how many male students she talks too, she is always somehow assigned to read the 1,079 pages of Infinite Jest. “Last semester a total of 1,772 men told me to read Infinite Jest. That’s every single man at Emerson!”
One such man is Freshman VMA Major Todd Vonn Bonhauser. “Maybe it’s the fact that the author and I have three first names, but I think everyone should read Infinite Jest.” When asked what he liked about the book, Bonhauser clarified that he “hasn’t finished the book” and “can’t exactly read,” he insists that women should read the book so they can tell him what it’s about.
As Winter Break comes to end, Emerson’s female students are wary of a new semester’s worth of male recommendations. In an open letter, female students wrote: “We can only pray that these recommendations will stop, but we probably will be told to read Lincoln In The Bardo by the Spring.”
While their Christmases typically consist of areligious activities like watching basketball and eating Chinese food, the three graduated Lion’s Tooth co-founders, who are Jewish, have found new meaning in Christmas this year.
That’s because when their beloved page appeared to be on the brink of death for most of this school year, it was finally saved by new editors in incredible and perhaps even messianic fashion.
Where these four wise men came from, the founders do not know. However, the founders have been able to sit back and enjoy from afar the near-miracles the new editors have been performing.
Since their takeover of the page over the past month, they have consistently posted some solid articles, which would have been satisfactory enough. But when they posted an incredible Lee Pelton-inspired parody of a “NowThis” video, the founders knew that the all-important pastime of “Laughing at Emerson, with Emerson”™ had, at last, been saved.
And in the process, they were saved as well.
It truly is a Christmas miracle!
At press time, the new editors were letting this praise go to their heads and were losing all their motivation to keep up their great work.
A party in East Boston hosted by your roommates’ friends from The Emerson Channel last weekend was just as uncomfortable as you thought it would be, you told The Lion’s Tooth.
You said were invited to the party as a last ditch attempt to re-connect with your roommate before they left for winter break. You’ve been slowly drifting apart this semester, even though you were super close when you lived on the same floor in the Little Building last year, so you told us. You said your roommate is going to Kasteel Well next semester, too, so this party was important in sealing the deal for a long term friendship.
Anyway, you weren’t sure about this party, because you didn’t know the people hosting it, you told our reporters. They all work on Speechless. You’ve completed three semesters here now and you told The Lion’s Tooth you’re still not quite sure what that is. But you said you would go, and that’s how you found yourself talking to Martin from your Fundamentals of Speech Communications class and drinking lukewarm vodka out of a cooking pot last Saturday night.
Your roommate disappeared almost as soon as you entered the apartment into a sea of faces you know so well from Facebook and from around campus, but not at all in real life. Jenny from Emerson Dance Company was there; you know she’s a musical theatre major and one time you slipped in orange juice that she spilled in the dining hall, but you told The Lion’s Tooth you don’t have the courage to speak to her.
All in all, you told our reporters you left the party after about an hour of looking for friendly faces to save you from Martin, who you said reminisced fondly about that Speech Comm. class you didn’t speak to each other in. You finally asked someone if they’d seen your roommate only to find out they already moved on to another party. So much for that friendship, you told The Lion’s Tooth. There’s nothing wrong with living by yourself in 62 Boylston next year.