The inner-workings of Emerson College has always been a mysterious subject. They take a lot of your money, and nobody really knows how they spend it. This lack of transparency has allowed for a coterie of dastardly deeds to take place at Emerson College, unbeknownst to students.
In a massive win for transparency activists, Emerson’s registrar department sent a student an email regarding their lack of ability to help her with registration. In the past, this would have been swept under the rug. Most students would never know that the email was sent. But it’s 2017, and Emerson stepped up to the plate and did the right thing. They sent the email to the entire school.
That’s right, Emerson is finally acknowledging that you have a right to know what is done with your tuition dollars.
The Lion’s Tooth editorial board wants to take a moment and applaud Emerson’s registrar department for taking steps to end this cycle of deceit. The student body deserves better than a registrar who conducts business over handshakes in the back rooms of dark, damp steakhouses. If you can say it to one of us, you should say it to all of us.
While this is a huge win for transparency at Emerson College, the battle is far from over. Until Lee Pelton un-deletes his controversial 2011 vlog post in which he refers to Battle: Los Angeles as “probably my favorite movie of all time,” Emerson will not be able to claim complete honesty with their students.
Tonight we celebrate, but the battle continues tomorrow.
Newly-unemployed communications expert Sean Spicer is in high demand these days. Just days after resigning his post as White House Press Secretary, the heartthrob is being overwhelmed with job offers from corporations, all hoping to capture his ability to eloquently communicate with the press. But while we don’t know who will emerge victorious in the race to hire this singular talent, we do know one job he WON’T be taking.
That’s right. Spicer confirmed Monday that he has rejected an offer to become Emerson College’s new Director of Communications.
“While Emerson made me a very tempting offer, I simply refuse to go in front of the press and defend a plan that has not been carefully considered.”
It’s hard to blame Emerson for wanting some PR help. The college has recently been in the news for its completely self-inflicted housing shortage. A seasoned professional like Mr. Spicer is exactly what the school needs to repair its reputation. But it wasn’t to be.
“I wish Emerson all the best. I hope they’re able to solve their housing problem. But at the end of the day, I’m not going to put my reputation on the line defending something like that. You have to some integrity”
At press time, Spicer had accepted a job as an underwear model for Hanes’ new fall collection.
According to sources the 2017 Commencement speaker had some “choice words” that a reputable publication like this one has the sense not to print. But fear not! Emerson College had a plan to make sure no scandal would erupt from 2017’s choice of words. Agent J popped out with the memory wiper and implanted memories of Jay Leno coming back as the commencement speaker. The audience was reported as “sleepy and confused, but otherwise, no worse for wear,” by the clean up crew. This is the fourth year that the Jay Lenno Speech has been reused, despite the fact it was delivered only three years ago, that’s how good this school is. If you asked anyone high lights from last year’s speech, they’d just start listing his rules for show business. More on this as it develops… wait there was a flash, what was I writing about?
Immediately following the 2017 Emerson commencement ceremony, President Lee Pelton got back on stage to make a quick announcement that he had “a few extra diplomas up here” if anybody wanted one.
“Hey everybody. Just a heads up, if anybody out there wants a diploma that didn’t get one, please come up now. This is the last call. I don’t want these to go to waste.”
At press time, a group of Suffolk students were sprinting to the Agganis Arena to get their hands on coveted degree from a respectable institution.
The hologram of Emerson College’s founder made an appearance at the class of 2017’s commencement. During the ceremony, the hologram talk of his memories of the college and provided wisdom for the graduating seniors.
“I recall when I founded the college in 1880- two years before my death at the age of 76, according to Wikipedia. Times have certainly changed. Back in the 1880s, the Union Savings Bank Building’s sole purpose was banking, the MPR had a single purpose, and social media was big- but not quite huge yet,” recited the a three-dimensional image of the old man formed by the interference of light beams. “After all this time, however, this remains the only comprehensive college or university in America dedicated exclusively to…”
At press time, the image speaker looked down at its also holographic note card after an awkward pause to sound out the last part of the speech.
“…communication and the arts in a liberal arts context.”
A clerical error in the registrar’s office has led to one graduating Emerson student receiving a degree in Conservative Arts.
“What the hell?” exclaimed Jordan Thompson ’17. “I CLEARLY met all the degree requirements for a degree in LIBERAL arts and a minor in JOURNALISM.”
The crowd on hand at Agganis Arena was visibly disappointed that the 22-year old who had worked so hard to attain the B.A. was jipped. The only exception was the Republican father of Zoe Martin ’17.
“On the bright side, Fox News just called and wants to interview me for Bill O’Reilly’s old job,” said an optimistic Thompson.
At press time, Maggie Reynolds ’17 was being handed a ‘Liberal Farts’ degree.
All eyes were on the EVVYs Friday Night. The 36th annual award show handed out dozens of awards for student work made over the past academic year. The most anticipated award of the night was the award for ‘best award show’.
“The nominees for ‘Best Award Show are:” said EVVYs host Jackline Mundie. “The EVVYs, for ‘The 36th EVVY Awards’.”
Suspense mounted in the Cutler Majestic Theatre. Not a sound was reportedly heard as the EVVYs host opened the envelope to reveal the winner.
“And the winner is… The EVVYs!”
The crowd went wild as the EVVYs took their rightful award. In an astounding speech that received a standing ovation, The EVVYs gave many heartfelt thanks.
“I’d like to thank The EVVYs, first and foremost, for giving me this award,” said The EVVYs. “A big thanks is also in order to all the other EVVY awards awarded this year and in year’s past.”
At press time, The EVVYs were being invited to The EVVYs’ official after party.