Since the dawn of Lion’s Tooth’s creation, our editorial staff has always coveted one prestigious honor above all else in the entertainment industry: an EVVY Award.
This publication narrowly missed our goal at the 35th annual EVVY Awards in 2016. Our dream of winning an award from the largest student-run, multi-camera award show in the United States was crushed. This year, our new editorial staff was confident in our ability to secure a nomination for the 37th EVVY Awards this May.
But then we forgot to submit ourselves for a nomination. The deadline passed. So, we ask you, our dutiful readers: what are we supposed to tell our dads now?
We told our dads we were shoe-ins for the biggest award in the country. They are really counting on this. You see, we pay a lot of money to attend this school, and we hoped to impress our dads and give them the trophy as a birthday present. We’re not sure what to do now.
At press time, we beg this of you: If anyone has any connections at the EVVYs, please ask them to consider letting us submit late. Our relationship with our dads depends on it.
BOSTON- Despite meticulously spacing out time to complete all your assignments before heading home for Emerson’s spring break, you somehow managed to completely forget to finish that assignment – the one that will count for a huge percentage of your grade, earn your professor’s respect, and inch you closer to that perfect 4.0 GPA.
As you stare at your notes, horrified and halfway home on a Greyhound bus, you realized you even started the assignment last Sunday, planning to trudge through a portion of it each day so as not to stress yourself out too much. What could have made you forget entirely about such an important assignment?
Your feel queasy as you remember just exactly what distracted you entirely from completing your major task for the week: your suitemate, pounding on your door, reminding you the dining hall had served macaroni and cheese that night. Macaroni and cheese, it seems, is all that stands between you and a good grade. You sink a little bit in your seat, disappointed in yourself.
At press time, you were seen frantically drafting an email to your professor, who had loudly announced last class they would not be answering any emails whatsoever during spring break.
BREAKING: Freshman Journalism Major Jessie Davis has a meeting with Good Morning Emerson, EAGLE, Emerson Poetry Project and 12 other organizations today. While the stressed Freshman is overwhelmed by her schedule, she somehow has plenty of time to complain about how busy she is.
“I am SO BUSY. It’s like I don’t even have time to think” Davis told Lion’s Tooth in a 3-hour long rant. After the interview, Lions’ Tooth reporters wondered if she was really that busy, how does she have all this time to complain?
Peppard’s professors shared a similar confusion. Intro To Journalism professor Rob Kimble told Lion’s Tooth “Ms. Davis had yet to turn in an assignment due to her ‘being on set for a BFA fill for 72 hours’ and claiming ‘to be so busy she often forgets her own name.’ Does anyone actually do real classwork here?”
At press time, Lion’s Tooth found Davis in the Iwasaki library watching Vine compilations and telling anyone she could about her full schedule.
The entirety of Emerson College’s Boston campus raced to make the best joke about the new scaffolding located in front of the Walker Building early this week.
As news of the school’s addition to an ever-growing fleet of scaffolding spread, student leaders on campus began frantically throwing out joke ideas.
“At first I thought, maybe ‘the scaffolding is back and it’s better than ever’ would be pretty funny,” Piano Row RA Marnie Jefferson said. “But then I thought people might not get the reference to the Hess Truck jingle, so I went back to the drawing board.”
Student sketch comedy groups were spotted in Paramount rehearsal studios late Monday night attempting to use their own bodies to recreate the appearance of scaffolding for upcoming shows.
“It didn’t make sense,” said Jimmy’s Travelling All-Stars member Dan Shea. “We can’t figure out what’s funny about scaffolding anymore.”
Lion’s Tooth is committed to accuracy and superior quality in our work, not being first. For that reason, our editorial staff is still considering what the best joke regarding the new scaffolding is and will refrain from making a joke until we’ve found the right one.
Pictured above: One group of students fed up with your glances. | Lions Tooth Photography
The students in those library study rooms have released a statement:
“Please. Stop looking at us like we’re zoo animals. We booked this room so we could get some actual work done for our Politics of Water class. Not so you could have some entertainment on your way to the quiet area.
We got this room to be in our own space, but instead we just end up being on display. How hard is it to not look in? What’s so enticing about those big windows? Is it purely the inquisitive nature of humans? Can you try not to think about networking for 6 seconds? Watch a vine or something. Just please stop turning your head ever so slightly to look at us.
And please, don’t tap on the glass. It scares us.”
Emerson’s counseling and psychological services department noticed a troubling trend arising this spring, and have now decided to something about it. Hundreds of eager sophomores and juniors were eagerly awaited to see their friend that attended Kasteel Well this fall, only to be severely disappointed when they discovered that their once cool friend totally sucks now.
“I don’t know what happened,” a visibly rattled Laureen Milesburg told Lion’s Tooth reporters. “Jessica used to be really cool and fun. Now all she does is talk about that one time she smoked weed in Amsterdam. We get it! It’s legal there! Relax!”
Other students were similarly disturbed by their friends change of character. Junior Todd Derickson complained that he was “shown the Lip Dub so many times” that everytime he hears “You Make My Dreams Come True” he becomes “physically ill.”
ECAPS counselors don’t see an end to once cool Emerson students totally sucking after spending 3 months in Europe. Counselors are now warning the student body to cut all ties ELA students before being disappointed once again.
Deputy Chief Walter Bradford announced in a press conference yesterday that the Emerson College Police Department will open up an investigation surrounding that eCommon girl that is always running from something.
In a statement to Lion’s Tooth, Bradford said, “It’s a mystery to us. Is she running from something, or to something? Why is she always in such a hurry? I mean, she is moving so fast that her image is blurry. Who goes that fast in a hallway?”
The online community of #eCommonHeads have been discussing this case for years now, with no major leads. One popular theory points out the “Wall of Fame” on the cork board, which, according to the #eCommonHeads web administrator Roger Taylor, “isn’t a crime, but is still, like, just weird. Why is their Wall of Fame in some hallway? Why does the Wall of Fame appear to just be printed out newspaper articles? What kind of Wall of Fame is that?” In reference to this theory, Deputy Chief Bradford said, “I don’t know, maybe she’s afraid of the Wall of Fame? Would that make sense?”
According to experts, this is believed to be the biggest ECPD cybercrime case since President Lee Pelton torrented the 2017 film “Geostorm” on an Iwasaki Library computer.