Dunder Mifflin Receives No Attention At Career Fair

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On Thursday afternoon, the Steven Plofker and Bobbi Brown gymnasium filled up to capacity with Emerson students who intended on meeting with perspective employers at the annual career and internship fair.

Dunder Mifflin Inc. proved to be the only table that got absolutely no attention through the entire four hour event.

“It makes no financial or logical sense,” elaborated senior account Oscar Martinez as he reflected on he and his three colleagues making the 300 mile trip from western Pennsylvania to downtown Boston. “I can’t say I blame these students for walking right by us. However, I can blame these students’ parents for allowing them to attend this money pit of an institution, subjecting them to years of debt.”

Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton location is one of eight branches, all located in the Northeast region of the United States, with corporate headquarters in New York City. Despite the inspiration said to be provided by the blank sheet of paper on their otherwise empty table, the company totally struck out in interesting even a single perspective intern.

“This school is totally lame. Do we even want these kids near the office? I really didn’t think we’d have a problem getting a couple of interns for the summer. This is way harder than I thought it would be.” Explained Regional Manager Michael Scott.

“That’s what she said,” added Scott.

Of the four representatives of the mid-sized paper company present Thursday, warehouse foreman Daryl Phillbin was the most optimistic.

“None of these kids are warehouse material. But any excuse to put on a tie, I’m gonna do it.”

At press time, receptionist Pam Beasley was speaking on her flip phone with eventual husband Jim Halpert, asking about how his golf course sales pitch was going.

EDITORIAL: Why I Stole The Chocolate Milk Label From The Back Of The DH In 2015

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There’s an old adage that people often say: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk label for free?”

That’s pretty much all that went into my decision to steal the milk label back in 2015.

Had I known that they didn’t have another 5”x 5” chocolate milk magnet lying around in the back closet, would I still have stolen it? Maybe. Maybe not.

Look, I’m not saying I regret it, but it’s kind of a gut check to see that two and a half years later they still haven’t replaced it. In 2016 they slapped just the white label strip that said “chocolate milk” on the chrome surface. I’m glad they found another magnet (albeit a white milk label) that they can just put the label over now. It looks a little better, but my impact is still visible.

And to those who have asked, no it’s not still hanging prominently on the mini fridge in my dorm. I went to a Twenty One Pilots concert last year and had to move the magnet down after I got a commemorative sticker for the fridge. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it this summer after I move out. We’ll see.

REPORT: Too Late For Senior To Ask If They Should Be Doing A Capstone Or Whatever

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Looking around at the bustling student body around them heading to work on their respective thesis and capstones, Michael Helchen – VMA ’17 could not help but ask themself what on Earth doing a “capstone” even entails of.

“Everybody is talking about their capstones. Should I be doing one of those? What the heck even is a capstone?” Helchen asked in their own head.

“And a thesis. Should I be doing that too? I couldn’t even explain what that is let alone tell you if I should be doing one right now.”

The 22-year old studio-TV production major found themselves in a total stumper, when wondering how they were going to find this out. “Frankly it’s too late now to ask my academic advisor. Whatever answer she gives me won’t help at this point.”

Helchan further explained “To ask my peers now would just be embarrassing.”

Eventually Michael came to terms knowing that they would know by now if it was that important. “It doesn’t say anything on degreeworks. I’m pretty sure the school would have emailed me by now if it were that big a deal.”

At press time, the senior was purchasing their cap and gown, convinces that they could probably just fall through the cracks and get a diploma in in May.

Tolerant Students Ridicule Dumb Plebeian Jock In Their Marketing Class 

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This afternoon, four tolerant Emerson students ripped apart a total dumbass plebeian jock following their marketing class.

“Look at that oaf walking out with his big club in his backpack,” said open-minded and accepting sophomore Sara Caruthers, between wheezing laughter. “What’s he gonna do after this? Go hit a ball?”

“Probably. What a dunce!” echoed progressive junior Peter Lilienthal, who supports people of all cultures. “Must be tough not being the king of your school anymore, huh guy? That asshole probably has a bag of rocks for a brain. How did even get into Emerson in the first place?”

“It’s obvious,” answered one of the 2015-2016 Diversity Award winners junior Emily Doerring. “Since he’s good at kicking the puck around they probably gave him a full-ride athletic scholarship. No wonder tuition is going up for real students like us.”

At press time, the student-athlete was stopping for a quick snack in the dining hall, before attending three consecutive meetings for WERS, EIV, and AMA Emerson, and then three hours of volunteer work for the Emerson FACE Lab.

Woah, Lee Pelton Got Absolutely RIPPED To Play The Role Of Emerson’s President And The Internet Is Loving It

When Lee Pelton took over as Emerson College’s president in 2011, it came with a lot of responsibilities. He’d have to oversee a new era of innovation in communication and the arts, but also provide the eye candy necessary to play the role. In other words, he had to get freaking jacked.

And man oh man, he has not disappointed.

To prepare for the role, Pelton was trained by acclaimed fitness trainer Tony Horton for an average of four hours a day for the last six months. The P90x founder put Pelton through an excruciating combination of weight lifting, boxing, and functional training throughout junkyards in South Boston, performing tasks such as flipping tires, chopping wood, and pulling trucks.

“We trained with one goal in mind, building a superhero the Emerson community needed,” Horton told Lions Tooth reporters. “And Lee did not disappoint.”

Pelton’s physical transformation took a lot more than discipline in the weight room. He had to do just as much work in the kitchen, adhering to an incredibly vast yet strict diet plan, sponsored by Sodexo. Pelton was fed around 5,500 calories a day, consisting of lean animal proteins, green vegetables, and brown rice or pasta.

On his one “cheat day” on Sundays, “Prezzy P” was allowed to sneak one warm chocolate chip cookie from the Dining Hall. But that was it.

Check out these pictures showing how ridiculously shredded Lee got for the role that many critics have said he was born to play.

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Got damn! You don’t get a shoulder vein and definition like that in your mid-60’s by messing around. That takes blood, sweat, and tears–all things Pelton was willing to sacrifice for Emerson students.

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That’s not a member of Argentina’s Summer Olympic Team, folks. That’s Emerson’s lean, mean, fightin’ president. If you aren’t spending at least five minutes a day thanking whatever higher power you believe in for him, that’s on you. And if you didn’t have one before, you do now.

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I mean, come on. We are not worthy.

Wow. Clearly Lee Pelton had an epic transformation for his biggest role yet. We’ll have to see if Suffolk’s latest president (we lost track of who it is now after all those firings) follows suit!

Students Engage In Playful Slush Fight

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A handful of students took to the Boston Common Saturday to have some fun tossing around piles of dirty snow residue.

According to witnesses, the students could not help themselves from taking part in some friendly competition, pelting each other with balls of half mud, half three day old snow.

“Ahhh I think I swallowed some!” Tony Patel yelled as he spit out 7-8 ounces of the splatter picked up off the Boylston Street sidewalk.

The gravy-colored soupy liquid coated the students clothing for the remainder of the day, reportedly dripping through each of the campus’ residence halls.

At press time, students were complaining of a gritty sensation in their teeth later determined to be rock salt that was laid down on the sidewalk early Thursday.