This past Tuesday, Adjunct Professor of Abnormal Psychology Bob Cobb hosted a screening of the infamous Two Girls, One Cup in the Paramount’s Bright Lights theater. Though only a handful of Emerson community members attended the event, those who did became part of a thrilling, thought provoking media experience.
“Media takes on many forms and it is important for you all as story tellers to understand that,” announced Cobb to the mostly empty Bright Lights theater before the screening started, “Let’s experience this not just as viewers, but thinkers.”
But even before lights went down, several students ardently questioned the validity of the screening including Kyle Guthrie ’19, a screenwriting major.
“Why the fuck are you showing this? You can’t just show something like this in a public setting. This is totally fucked,” voiced Guthrie moments before storming out of the theater.
Though everyone but Cobb intermittently left the theater throughout the screening, dashing all hopes of post-viewing discussion, Lion’s Tooth caught up with the professor to ask him if the event was a success.
“Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered,” proclaimed Cobb, “That being said, I cannot show my face on this campus ever again.”
At press time, Emerson’s Custodial staff were still cleaning vomit off the floors of the theater.
I can’t fucking believe it. I come into Einstein’s to order an egg sandwich for breakfast and a muffin for later but just HAPPENED to throw out my receipt. God, I’m so STUPID. Well, I can’t dig through the trash now, some freshmen douche just dumped a thing of coffee into that trash bin.
Wait, the lady just called out 13… that can’t be right. I’m pretty sure mine’s was a single digit. What the hell is going on? Should I go up and ask if they have my order ready? I mean I do have class in like 10 mins.
On second thought, maybe that number was for a smoothie or something. They make those pretty fast. If only I could just make out what that girl got…DAMMIT! She’s already out the door. Christ…I’m never getting my breakfast at this point.
God dammit this lady’s just shouting numbers’ now…20…34…47? What the actual fuck?
Screw this. I’m over it. I’ll just steal a bunch of leftover breakfast pastries from the DH real quick.
The morning after the first of 2016’s Presidential Election debates and Emerson’s campus was alight with talk of the night’s happenings.
Professors up and down Walker Building attempted to engage their students in constructive discussions focussed on the Trump, Clinton debates, and found the school’s resident Bernie Bros were more than happy to help facilitate.
“I hijacked the conversation because I felt I could really add something by being a stubborn holdout,” said Hannah Kissinger. “I thought both candidates were terrible, and rather than let people have a productive discussion on the issues that will definitely be shaping the country, I thought it would be a good idea keep whining on about a third party candidate that has no hope in hell of winning! And I did it loudly, too!”
That students didn’t really like either of the mainstream candidates was a great conversation to have when Donald Trump revealed he doesn’t pay taxes and wants to bring back unconstitutional stop and frisk.
“I really enjoyed the debates, and thought the candidates’ performances were super revealing,” said Dave Earnest, “But I’m glad that a Bernie or Bust-er was in class to make sure we could cover precisely none of that.”
Some people had also just missed talking about America’s wacky Jewish granddad.
“It was really fun to revisit Bernie,” said Haylee Smite. “I hadn’t really heard anything from him, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that despite his multiple endorsements of Clinton, people are still trying to focus this important discussion on how he and the Libertarians won’t be changing the country in November. Ain’t that neat?”
Despite being hidden behind a pole in one of Walker’s windowless classrooms, VMA major Dan Tassily let his voice be heard.
“I don’t think we should be having an intelligent conversation to parse the candidates’ stances on generation-defining 21st century subjects of race, gender equality, and the environment, so we could all become more informed citizens,” said Tassily. “I didn’t even really watch the debates, but I wanted everyone to know I’m so cool, I won’t be voting for either. I’d much rather risk a Trump presidency.”
This past weekend, the Emerson community was rocked by reports of multiple stabbings in the late, club-going hours of Boston’s lively theater district just around the corner from the college. Six victims were wounded by either knifes or bottles with one requiring emergency surgery. And while one injured suspect was brought into custody, another escaped and was last seen fleeing in the direction of Charles Street South.
While the Emerson community has been advised to report suspicious activity by ECPD, President Lee Pelton took a stance and declared he was taking actions into his own hands via an email he delivered this morning.
“It’s a scary scary world we live in and I just can’t deal with it anymore,” wrote Pelton in the bold email, “Our community deserves better and I’m gonna deliver. You want justice? Here it comes.”
In the email, President Pelton outlined his plans to use a very rare time travel device hidden in an abandoned theater located under the college. Once back in time, he aims to arrive several minutes before the stabbings occurred and replace all weapons at the scene with stress dolls of all shapes and sizes.
Pelton ended his stirring email with a message to the suspects, “You want to bring trouble to my neighborhood? You better prepared to be utterly humiliated, criminal scum.”
At press time, several ECPD officers arrived at the abandoned theater only to see what appeared to be a man inside a strange metallic box disappear into thin air after a bright flash of light.