By: Charlie Greenwald
Month: January 2015
Journalism Professor Asks Class If Anyone Knows How To Turn Projector On
By: Malcolm Kelner
According to multiple recent reports, an Emerson journalism professor has just asked his class if anyone knows how to turn the projector on.
James Schmidt, an adjunct professor teaching the class Advanced Audio-Video Journalism, was attempting to lower the white projector screen and turn on the overhead projector in order to show a video demonstration to his students, but was struggling mightily with the wall console that controlled both devices.
“Jeez louise, I can never get this to work. Does anyone in here know how to turn this thing on?” Schmidt asked hopelessly, after a good several minutes of experimenting with different buttons.
Sources then report a student came over and accomplished the task in about seven seconds.
“Oh, that’s how you do it,” Schmidt said, thanking the student. “Now we know going forward.”
At press time, the professor was asking the students if anyone knew how to open up Power Point.
Annoying Freshman From California Won’t Shut Up About Never Having Experienced This Much Snow Before
By: Malcolm Kelner
In the midst of another big winter storm, annoying freshman Jeni Cyson won’t shut up about how she’s never experienced so much snow at one time before.
The self-absorbed Writing, Literature, and Publishing major from Los Angeles has reportedly been absolutely unbearable all day today, never missing a chance to remind her suitemates and friends in passing that she’s “totally not used to this.”
“I mean I went to New York for New Year’s on a family vacation a few years ago and there were some flurries,” Cyson gabbed to a group of people at the dining hall who could not possibly care less, “but nothing even close to a winter storm.”
“No type of weather for a Cali girl!” she obnoxiously added, which also happened to be the caption of the outdoor selfie she posted to Instagram and shared to Facebook.
At press time, Cyson was assuring her mother that she was safe.
San Antonio Spurs Saddened Nobody Asked For Autograph After Practice In Bobbi Brown and Steven Plofker Gymnasium
By: Charlie Greenwald
After an otherwise fine practice on the Emerson College campus, the 2014 NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs were reportedly devastated when nobody recognized them on their way out to the team bus.
“Not one autograph request, not one picture request,” said Spurs star Kawhi Leonard. “This is strange, and I’m not sure how to feel.”
The Spurs organization said that on their way out, several people glanced over at the players and noticed how tall they were, but not a soul stopped them for anything.
“They do know we’re an NBA team, not a college team, right?” said Spurs big man Tiago Splitter. “What’s going on here?”
At press time, the Boston University student body was reportedly furious and incredibly jealous.
Report: Lion’s Tooth Co-Founder Starting To Get Pissed Off Over Lack Of Likes On Publication’s Facebook Page
LION’S TOOTH WIRE REPORT
Multiple sources have confirmed that Lion’s Tooth Co-Founder Malcolm Kelner is starting to get “kind of pissed off” over the lack of likes on the Emerson satirical online newspaper’s Facebook page and views on the publication’s website.
Sources add that Kelner has put a lot of time and effort into co-creating a thought-provoking and entertaining product he thought the entire Emerson student body would enjoy, but then feels like he’s yelling to an empty room when he publishes a post and none of the paltry total of 68 people who have liked the page–which is probably the most infuriating part–give the post a like, comment, share, or even a compliment to him in person.
One source even claims this has caused Kelner to put on Coldplay late at night and sob his sorrows away, although this was not corroborated by other sources.
When reached for comment, the studly writer laughed off and vehemently denied this report, claiming he doesn’t need pointless and superficial social media attention to validate his level of self-worth as a person.
However, the evidence is overwhelming to the contrary.
At press time, Kelner was sighted in his bedroom, constantly refreshing Facebook while bawling his eyes out to “Fix You.”
ECwireless-5GHz Declares War Against ECwireless
By: Malcolm Kelner
In what’s sure to be a bloody battle, ECwireless-5GHz has declared war against ECwireless.
Tensions have been building between the two wireless internet networks since the young and brash ECwireless-5GHz formed during the second half of last school year, and relations have reportedly reached a boiling point, rendering co-existence near impossible.
“ECwireless has maintained its dictatorial reign of slow speeds, frequent timeouts, and inconsistent campus access points over Emerson and all of its students for far too long,” EC wireless-5GHz said to us in an exclusive interview.
“We have explored every diplomatic option available to us but have been met with either no response or a long buffering screen every time. Physical force was always a last resort but it unfortunately appears that’s what this has come to.”
In an additional exclusive interview obtained by Lion’s Tooth staff, ECwireless countered its enemy’s aggressiveness by being very short and to the point.
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” the network scoffed.
The war is expected to begin any day now, and school president Lee Pelton has sent out an e-mail to the entire student body urging them to stay calm, and to try to only congregate in one of the many wireless dead zones on campus to ensure safety.
At press time, the students were completely apathetic to the battle because both networks still fucking suck.
Freshman Concerned She Won’t Find Gay Best Friend At This Point
By: Malcolm Kelner
A freshman student is starting to think she has no chance of finding a gay best friend at this point. Sources tell us WLP major Alana McCormick is reportedly “worried sick” that her window of opportunity to procure one is closed.
Born and raised outside of Laredo, Texas, McCormick had never met any outwardly homosexual individuals and finding a gay best friend at Emerson was one of the parts of college she was most looking forward to. However, despite always being on the lookout, McCormick has yet to meet a single gay male student who had mutual platonic feelings for her.
“We’re not even a week into second semester yet,” McCormick’s roommate Sarah Chang comforted, during McCormick’s most recent breakdown on the matter. “You have plenty of time.”
However, McCormick was not so convinced, and tearfully responded, “Easy for you to say,” given how Chang smartly locked up her GBF during orientation week.
McCormick has reason to be jealous. Not only does Chang hang out with Mikey Thomas pretty much every night to swap intimate details of all aspects of their lives, but also now has an adorable profile picture with a selfie of the two leaning their heads in together at an upscale Italian restaurant in the North End.
The most recent count on the picture was a very respectable 136 likes—nearly quadruple the amount of McCormick’s outdated profile picture of her and her unfortunately straight douchebag prom date from last spring, only adding to the jealousy between the two girls.
At press time, McCormick was standing alone in the library, longingly staring into the virtually empty and pathetically decorated study room where the Will & Grace set used to be.
Obama’s Wink Sends Emerson Girls Into Collective Comatose State
By: Malcolm Kelner
While speaking about an uptick of the economy during tonight’s State of the Union address, President Obama lightheartedly stated, “This is good news, people,” followed by a devious half bitten bottom lip smile and wink, and sources have confirmed this has sent the entirety of Emerson College’s female population into a complete and collective comatose state.
Minutes after a flurry of fired off social media posts, such as, “Oh my god, Obama just winked. #swoon,” from freshman marketing major Katie Richards and “Wait did my husband just wink. Why is he so perfect,” from junior Emma Donaldson, sources confirm that literally every single Emerson co-ed is now non-responsive and is being rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital.
The hashtag #PrayForEmerson is already trending nationwide on Twitter, as concerned citizens turn their eyes to Boston and brace for the worst.
Sources added that maybe if the students actually treated President Obama with more of the proper gravitas befitting of the most powerful man in the nation and world and less like a fucking actor or singer on TMZ, this might not have happened.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” stated Emerson Police Chief Robert Smith. “We knew the students–particularly the women–were raging liberals and inordinately obsessed with Obama, but no one knew it was to this dangerous of a level. We are responding as swiftly as possible and EMT crews are in action as we speak.”
School President Lee Pelton has already cancelled Wednesday’s classes, and is expected to follow suit for the remainder of the week as well. It could be even longer than that, depending on the severity of the comas, which is currently unknown.
At press time, hospital staff was attempting to bring the girls back into consciousness by playing audio clips of Mitt Romney.
Student Makes Sad Attempt To Stand Out During First Class Introductions
By: Malcolm Kelner
Today multiple sources reported that an Emerson student made a truly sad attempt to stand out during routine first class introductions.
In the marketing class, “Understanding Consumers,” students were asked to each give their name, say whether they had any consumer research experience, and explain what they hoped to learn from the class.
While every student leading up to him answered the second question with some variation of, “I don’t really have any consumer research experience,” sophomore Brian Aase decided to break the monotony by shaking his answer up in true comedic fashion, hoping to make a strong first impression, notably for the female students.
“My name’s Brian, I’m a sophomore, and I don’t have any experience… IN ANYTHING.”
After two seconds of dead silence, some isolated forced courtesy laughs were heard from friendly students, sympathizing with Aase and his bombed joke. The rest of the students, however, responded with blank stares.
Aase has yet to respond to Lion’s Tooth when asked for comment, but we imagine he would have justified the pathetic attempt at humor by saying something equally stupid, like maybe, “You miss all the shots you never take.”
At press time, Aase had yet to receive a single Facebook friend request from any of the attractive women in the class, and was sighted eating lunch in the dining hall alone in that little walled off side section between the front and back rooms, across from the dish washing room.
Unassuming Freshman Gets Clobbered by Clubgoers En Route to Colonial at 1:45 AM
By Charlie Greenwald
First-year student Andre Paxton was slammed by an intoxicated clubgoer outside of Whiskey Saigon at approximately 1:45 AM on Saturday evening. He was rushed to the hospital with a concussion and minor injuries.
“I don’t really remember it very well,” says the 19-year-old Paxton. “I saw the crowd of people and tried to snake my way through them, but all I remember is a flash of light, some yelling, a thick aroma of cologne, and then nothing.”
Paxton was reportedly walking home from a movie night in Piano Row to his dorm in Colonial. They began watching “Star Trek Into Darkness” at 11:00 but they ended up analyzing Benedict Cumberbatch’s performance deep into the night.
“I stayed a bit later than I expected to, but we just got so into it,” says Paxton’s friend Eric Dejana. “The film needed to be discussed.”
Several Emerson police officers were scattered along Boylston Street and rushed to Paxton’s aid when they saw him go down.
“We saw it happen but there was nothing we could do,” says ECPD veteran Louie DiStefano, who witnessed the accident occur. “He was swallowed up. It happens.”
Paxton arrived at the hospital at 2:09 AM, but luckily avoided any major injuries. Despite this, Whiskey Saigon bouncer Kirk Diersley was torn up about the accident.
“I should have stopped it,” Diersley cried. “It’s a goddamn jungle out here!”
At press time, no clubgoers were charged with assault. Whiskey Saigon has promised Paxton a free Mojito when he becomes of age, in a little under 2 years.
“If I could do it again, I would probably have called Emerson police to walk me back to my dorm,” Paxton sighed. “I guess I just thought I could do it on my own.”
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