In a monumental moment of personal evolution, an Emerson student and ardent Bernie Sanders supporter contorted her fingers to half-heartedly type #ImWithHer on Facebook this morning.
Rising junior Marketing major Alana Peterson made the decision following Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s speech at the DNC Convention last night.
“This really sucks,” Peterson muttered to herself as she begrudgingly typed the hashtag button on her phone.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” she continued, as she methodically typed each letter, thinking about the concepts of war-hawking, selling out to corporate interests, lying about classified e-mails, and the 1994 federal crime bill.
Peterson then paused to reconsider what she was about to do.
“Fuck it, she’s not Trump,” she concluded, as she softly pressed the ‘post’ button, threw her phone out the window, and burst into tears.
By: Those Two Random Recent Emerson Graduates
Hey, what’s up guys? Remember us? I know, it’s only been a couple months since we graduated but just making sure you didn’t forget us already. Well anyway, we wanted to let you all know that we’re dating now.
Yeah, it’s kind of random, right? I mean, we were never any sort of thing while at Emerson and never would have been even considered by most other classmates as a potential match. Our personalities and dating/relationship practices couldn’t have been any more different, but here we are, in the first summer post-grad, and we’re totally an item.
We know you all saw the writing on the wall that we each crafted to perfection on social media: Facebook statuses, Instagram pictures, and Tweets keeping you updated on our dates–at first only sporadic–teasing you and making you wonder, “Wait, are those two together?”
But then our posts became more regular, and our love undeniable, all culminating in changed profile pictures featuring both of us together at local events.
If you wondered before, wonder no longer. WE ARE DATING.
Now all we ask is that you like all our posts about each other, as well as the impending relationship status change. We anticipate this being 300-like material. Thanks in advance!
By: Lloyd Mallison
Fresh off the back of a year in which Chipotle had not one, but five national health scares – including one norovirus outbreak on Boston College’s campus – vacationing Emerson students were excited to learn that when they returned to campus, one of the Mexican-inspired fast casual restaurants would be waiting to greet them.
“It’s really great to have more options around campus,” said rising sophomore, Erik Dailly. “There are only so many places to play Russian Roulette with my health once you discount the DH, the Max, and Einstein Bagel Bros.”
Others saw it as a question of physical safety.
“Once the Little Building and the DH closes next year to be renovated, I didn’t know where I’d have to go to catch potentially life threatening illnesses,” said rising sophomore Lili Cabman. “I really don’t feel safe walking to Chinatown at night, but luckily City Place is always so populated. I’ll be able to go to Chipotle all the time.”
Another student was excited to be able to spend all their allowance on more off-campus food locations.
Jimmy Lincoln said, “at the moment, I have to spend all my money at either Boloco or NYP instead of just using my prepaid meal swipes and board bucks to complain I’m broke. I can’t wait to spend $4 on six chips and a scoop of guacamole!”
At time of publication, Emerson hadn’t responded to request for comment as to whether the new Chipotle would also be scaffolded.
Saying it would just be a waste of time to even try at this point, Emerson school officials announced early Monday that the College’s upcoming academic year will not take place in order to focus efforts on Pokémon Go.
“After careful consideration, we made the decision to just go ahead and scrap this year,” said Interim Dean of Students Sharon Duffy in a statement.
Following the launch of the mobile game Pokémon Go, which was downloaded 500,000 times worldwide in its first 24 hours, Emerson College Senior Leadership reportedly met for 20 minutes in the Bill Bordy Theater to discus how the school intended to proceed through the next calendar year, coming to the conclusion that they were not even going to bother.
“We’re just gonna pick up where we left off at this time next year,” said Emerson President Lee Pelton, as he looked up from his iPhone.